Looking for an unclean experience? Tune in to “Temptation Island.”

The whole show went something like this: Closeup of a guy rubbing salt on his nipple in preparation for tequila body shots. Cut to the wide-eyed, buxom girl he’s on a date with, “He’s so so DEEP.”

Yeah. He’s the Grand Canyon of humility and spiritual enlightenment. Perhaps he’ll engage in rabid monkey sex with you.

Then again, who am I to talk? The show was so embarrassing that it made my eyes water, but I watched the WHOLE thing. Sure, I showered a few times afterward, but I can still feel the dark stain on my soul.

11:44 a.m.

I’ve unwittingly misled you. One of the Americans for Purity informed me that all of the pages I link to below are spoofs (except the Biblical action figures). I was pretty hard hit until Jason sent me a link to the Church of Latterday Saints’ Steps to Overcoming Masturbation. Mr. Kottke favors step 19, “In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken.” I’m a fan of the Church’s take on aversion therapy: “If you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.”

10:03 a.m.

I’ve never asked my roommate about his living room bookshelf. It’s pretty small, so there aren’t too many books on it, but what’s there is pretty interesting. (As my friend Sam would say, “Interesting defined as something I wouldn’t necessarily want to put in my mouth.”)

• Sex for One: The joy of self loving
• Hitler’s Willing Executioners
• A History of Torture
• Plasirs D’Amour: An erotic guide to the senses
• The Holy Bible (sandwiched between)
• The Satanic Bible (and)
• True Crime Vol. 2: Serial Killers and Mass Murderers
• Fractals Everywhere

5:10 p.m.

I really like this guy. Not only did we go to the same college (yeah, Aggies), but he’s also named Ernie. Anyone who’s gone through life with a Muppet name deserves some support. He posted a great white-girl description a few days ago, racist pig:

“Okay, I try not to play into the stereotypes, swear to god. But after listening to them on the radio, I look up Dream on the internet, expecting them to look like Destiny’s Child, and I come across the four whitest girls on the face of this earth. Not even like typical white girls – they’re like, Sarah Michelle Gellar, let’s go to the mall, swing by Hot Topic and eat a Hot-Dog-on-a-Stick white girls.”

4:04 p.m.

My sister is a full-time parent. Spending all day with little kids has its effects, and one of them is an inability to recognize sexual double meanings anymore. My nephew opened a Christmas gift that contained a soccer ball, a basketball, and a football. My sister promptly exclaimed, “Look at that! You’ve got some big balls, Trevor! You’ve sure got some balls!” When I burst out laughing, she just blinked at me. “What?”

2:19 p.m.