“Wanna hook up? Noooope.” is a screencap from the Wired magazine Instagram stream. (Via Ink361)

Last year was my first year attending the Consumer Electronics Show (CES), and after a few days in a crush of wall-to-wall men, women did start to seem endangered; the sight of someone wearing lipstick was almost luxurious. At first I wondered why everyone was staring at me when I walked around the show floor. Three days later I was so starved to see a sister, I would stop in the middle of an aisle to gape, slackjawed at any woman passing.

So I understand why people hire booth babes — female models who demo products — and I get why they’re effective. I just don’t get why the people who dress them seem to hate pretty girls so much.

(Photos from Coed Magazine.)

The Playtex Cross Your Heart Bra is super supportive. And tube socks to wear on her arms in case she gets cold. That’s thoughtful.

Let’s set aside that hiring booth babes makes it clear women aren’t peers at CES. Also how the media keeps interviewing the models to represent a female perspective on technology, while conveniently forgetting that they don’t actually work in, or often have any interest in, technology. Or that the whole thing isn’t laughably 1962. (I mean, have you been to Vegas? CES doesn’t touch the frowny-faced emoji that goes down for women there.) So, accepting these facts as a given, let’s talk about the depressing shit they’re making these women wear.

They said string bikini, fine. They said eight hours in platform heels, she brought foot numbing cream. They asked for someone with double Ds, so she arrives… and they ordered an XS bikini that provides less coverage than her actual underwear. You knew about her boobs, Creeper. She’s wearing her bra.

Given the opportunity to dress a woman in a way that says, “I’m smokin’, but approachable! Come talk to me about technology!” What kind of mouth breather says, “Put this on:”

This company’s target customers are bikers who like to salsa dance at toga parties.

An angry person who hates flirtation and the nerdy people who yearn for it, that’s who.

Here’s what. If you want to pay models to pretend-demo your products, fine. Models totally love getting paid, and women don’t need to buy your product. But the least you can do is provide clothing that genuinely appeals to the target audience — nerds.

Something that says, “My hotness does not preclude the possibility that I’m smart” instead of “I grew up without a father, and am being paid to make eye contact with you.”

Not this:

This outfit is actually adhesive. It hurts to take it off, but so much more to put it on.

This:

Oh. Did my top fall off my shoulder? I didn’t realize, thanks. Are you into video games? (Victoria’s Secret)

Not this:

Pleather makes you sweat, so they cut vents in the sides.

This:

I’m usually a math tutor, but I decided to change things up for the weekend. (American Apparel)

I mean, as long as you’re irritating half the population, you might as well move some product.

The Giving Tree

Very Hungry Caterpillar

Ramona the Pest

The Little Prince

Where the Wild Things Are
by Ainslie Heilich at Vintage Karma in Stroudsburg Pennsylvania

I spent a few days in Chicago recently, which wasn’t nearly enough time. These are some of the things I tasted that make me want to go back.

1. Queso Fundido at Big Star

If you have a paperback and an evening to yourself, sit at the bar. Big Star is known for its reassuring selection of bourbon, so take this opportunity to be soothed. Maybe order a Booker’s, rocks, and let it mellow while they melt your cheese. They’ll bring it bubbling, with a spoon and a messy stack of warm corn tortillas. Oh, my friends. This meal will hurt your heart like the love of a stoic man.

2. Smoked Sicilian Manhattan at The Bristol

Smoked Maker’s, Averna Amaro, and Blood Orange Bitters. Like a chilled Manhattan by a warm campfire, but all the atmosphere happens in your mouth. Wizardry.

3. The Mix at Garrett Popcorn

It’s tempting to dismiss this as a tourist thing. It’s also tempting to shove the entire bag in your mouth once you’ve tasted it. “The Mix” has caramel and cheese popcorn, and probably enough butter for your cardiologist to sense a disturbance in the force. If popcorn doesn’t rain to the floor when you undress that night, then we are different people.

4. Pizza at Great Lake Pizza

This is the best pizza available. Try it at least once, and then maybe go somewhere else. I say this because the owner is not a particularly polite guy. Before we stopped by, I had about five locals warn me on the “pain in the ass” factor, and my personal experience backed them. But! The pizza is incredible, handmade with top-notch organic ingredients. It tastes like affection, so don’t look to the staff for love, look to the food. The best plan is to call ahead, place your order, and then take it to a bar up the street that welcomes Great Lake customers. They were plenty friendly there, and they had beer. Win-win.

5. A cocktail at Vincent

While you’re waiting for your pizza at Great Lake, stop by next door. If Briar is tending bar, you won the lottery — let her mix you whatever she wants. Some of the best drinks in town, and believe me I asked around.

I didn’t have time to hit any fine dining while I was there, but what else did I miss? Tell us about your favorite Chicago foods in comments.

More posts you might like:
8 Things to Taste in Argentina
10 Things to Taste in New Orleans
Top 10 Ways to See San Francisco Like a Local
Top 10 Worthwhile Tourist Attractions in San Francisco

Pink Metal Tea Set by Hannah Stockham, $295

Ken hoped that, today, something might surprise him. Even the air here tasted like bubblegum.

Instagram is my new love, a mobile app that’s essentially an all-photo Twitter stream. I’ve been using it to do FatMumSlim’s Photo-A-Day project for January:

You
Me and the team in the first few hours of 2012. @dooce @abchao

Breakfast
“Hey, Bacon.” “Hey, Maggie. Wanna make out?” “Fuuuu. Yeah.”

Thing you adore
My high school sweetheart made this for our first concert. It has our initials on the back.

Something you wore
When I feel akimbo, it comforts me to dress like a ’50s librarian.

Letterbox
Handmade box full of old letters. Gift from my college roomie, who pasted my middle name on the front.

Thing that makes me smile
@DemetriMartin is so into you, girl.

Pro trip: If you’d like to follow Instagram on your laptop, try Inkstagram. If you’d like to follow me, that would be very nice. I’m MaggieMason.