If you don’t want to talk about sexy things, here is a link to that panda rolling in the snow.
For the rest of you, there has been a recent advancement in sex technology. It’s offensively named, air-through-your-teeth ugly, and expensive like you don’t need to eat. Still, I want to give one to everyone I know, like the world’s creepiest fairy godmother.
Meet The Womanizer.
So beautiful, no? As I mentioned, the designs come in different variations of eye smack, but we all need to get past that. Because, damn.
“The Womanizer” is like a vibrator, but it doesn’t necessarily touch your clitoris. Instead it provides light suction and varying speeds of vibration that combine to make things happen… quickly.
Here’s a more thorough, educated Womanizer review. I just thought you should know this existed. Solidarity.
He thinks Valentine’s Day is stupid. He thinks it’s a Hallmark holiday perpetuated by gift-shop owners and florists. He thinks if you’re really in love, you’ll naturally celebrate that year round anyway. He… should probably shut up now.
Alayna Zip Chemise, $60
Envoutante Bodysuit, $86
Lace Eye Mask, $40
Cle D’Amour Thong, $30
Lace Cuffs, $10
Have you ever taken the Five Love Languages Quiz? I’ve sent that link to dozens of friends.
The quiz is based on a book of the same name, which says there are five main ways we give and receive love:
1. Words of affirmation, compliments and the like.
2. Tokens of affection, gifts.
3. Acts of service, favors.
4. Quality time together.
5. Physical touch.
The idea is that everyone gives and receives love differently. For example, words of affirmation don’t mean much to me, but it’s easy for me to tell someone what I appreciate about them. Some people don’t care at all about gifts, but get teary-eyed when you clean out the closet for them.
Take the quiz, and tell me what you think. It for sure changed my approach when I have an impulse to do something nice for someone.
P.S. Relationship Hacks
Have you seen this already? You should watch it again.
Taste test of heart-shaped boxes of Valentine’s chocolate that tends to be available last minute. Ahem.
“Show up with and for your friends. You matter, and your presence matters.” (Jessica, 40)
Truth. From Ten Life Lessons to Excel in Your 30s, crowdsourced advice.
These slippers have me covetous.
We should build one of these for the wedding ceremony so afterward we can light it on fire and the guests can take turns jumping through it.
How to use Twitter on your journey to understanding, by @polotek. This is a thing I do, and it works.
I think about this writing advice a lot.
What We Should Care About in 2016 Leaves you a bit more prepared for conversations with smart people about important things.
Life List idea: Hike into this place at night.
Order now, panic wrap the night before.
A Handmade Valentine
Gather your scissors, glue, and heart-shaped whatsits! The key here is not to produce something artistic, just something that looks like it took you more than ten minutes. Go classic with Doilies, blank cards, heart-shaped cards. Or buy one of these Rocket-Ship Valentine Kits. Your love is out of this world, Valentine!
14K Gold Bar Earrings, $62
The best kind of jewelry is the kind you never need to take off. So you’ll be seeing a lot of these as the evening wears on.
This lets you print polaroids from digital photos stored on your phone or computer. She already wants one.
You know that G-string you bought her? That isn’t technically for her. Plus, now she’s cold. Ultra soft cuddling blankets make it possible to wear less clothing. Everyone’s a winner.
Love Coupons, $12
If she doesn’t care about presents, but loves it when you do things for her, draw up some coupons for gassing up her car, having her shoes shined, grabbing sanitary products at the drugstore without complaint. Romantic stuff.
Sweet both literally and figuratively. Pair these with the cozy blanket and your weekend plans are in place. Happy Valentine’s Day, you crazy kids.