Mighty Life List
Aug 5 2010

Selfish or Romantic?

In the comments of my wedding etiquette post, Philip pointed out this tribute by Andrew Cohen, who’s in love with a woman marrying another man. He published it on her wedding day:

On Her Wedding Day, Saying the Things Left Unsaid

Then Sarah mentioned that Lizzie Skurnick had written a response column:

How Not to Congratulate Your Ex on Her Wedding Day

If I were the bride, I would have been less than flattered. But I’m curious about what you guys think. Selfish creep, or hopeless romantic?

92 Responses to “Selfish or Romantic?”

  • Molly Says:

    Disgusting, creepy, self-absorbed weirdo.

    The decent thing to do, when the One Who Got Away gets married, is to congratulate her PRIVATELY and then fade quietly away. Don’t make a spectacle of yourself by writing a column about how much you’re still in love with her, effectively overshadowing her wedding day and making everything all about you. She’s marrying somebody else. Get over it. Move on. Mourn your loss in private.

  • pseudostoops Says:

    When I read these pieces last week I had the same thought- if I were the bride, I’d be cringing. It seems a good rule of thumb, wedding etiquette-wise, to try to avoid that which might make the bride cringe.

  • rach Says:

    How utterly self-absorbed. Having been on the receiving end of such rubbish myself (albeit in private, and varying wildly from “romantic” to downright vicious) this is simply meant to hurt. It makes my skin crawl.

  • auntjone Says:

    Mr. Cohen’s public lament is just flat out tacky. He should have skipped the column and drunk-dialed her instead. Pathetic!

  • Tina Says:

    Simply put…I would have been pissed if I was that bride.

  • Beth Says:

    I found myself loving and hating parts of both these columns. I feel that he was being heartfelt and genuine, but at the same time very selfish. I have no idea how I would have reacted on my wedding day if that had happened to me.

    As for Lizzie’s response – I found her to sound very bitter and condescending. I almost said out loud while reading, “Give the guy a break.” But she makes valid points – especially her Wedding point. I do agree that he should NOT have done this on his ex’s wedding day.

  • latenac Says:

    I’m not sure I could add anything to Molly’s comment. Unbelievably selfish but at least you can tell from this piece why she’s not marrying him.

  • denise Says:

    he’s trying to lay a guilt trip on her.

  • Kathleen Says:

    Egads! If I was this bride I’d be breathing a sigh of relief. Honey, you dogged a bullet there!

  • hi kooky Says:

    C.R.E.E.P.Y. I would wonder why in the world he hadn’t moved on. And I would be angry that he felt as though he could lay claim to me in a public arena. Eww. Just Ew. I’ll bet he has a clammy, limp handshake.

  • Tori Says:

    I just have to add my voice to the choir and shout CUH-REEEPY! This Just Isn’t Done. If he had to say this to his ex, he could have said it in private and long before her wedding day. Had I been in the bride’s slippers, I would have wanted to melt into a puddle and die.

    The following had me in stitches: “I humbly submit that his wedding day appreciation is in fact the equivalent of Andrew Cohen running into the church and yelling, ‘Andrew! ‘” Lizzie Skurnik for Queen of the Universe!

  • jen Says:

    definitely creepy. and how sad–what are the chances that this guy’s column was the topic of more than one conversation during the (HER) wedding???

  • SK Says:

    Icky…just icky all around. Public declarations of such private feelings are ill-advised, especially if there is no chance of reciprocation. Although I’d totally watch the rom-com where Andy & Lizzie wind up together.

  • smallstatic Says:

    That letter makes him seem so totally, totally self-absorbed and sad.

  • Nan Says:

    He doesn’t want to give up gracefully, he wants to brand her forever as “his” (once) — ugh. Only a narcissistic fool would send a bride a valentine on her wedding day. But to publish it? A narcissistic NUT. Shame on him.

  • kristen Says:

    When I first read his column, I thought, “He sounds overwrought and pathetic, and this is totally inappropriate, but he means well.” Then I read Lizzie’s and I have to admit, she’s persuasive. But the point of hers that is most compelling and at the same time most unfair is the comparison to the Bradbury story. I think most people think about love — especially love that’s ended — in terms of how it changes them or makes them feel. I don’t know anyone who describes their loved one as a list of accomplishments. That’s the stuff of crushes.

  • Spring Says:

    Okay, I’m going to represent the tiny minority that doesn’t think this is creepy (that’s not to say that it is romantic). He wasn’t trying to get her to leave her new husband and come back to him–he was trying to say goodbye. That’s not creepy; it’s sad.

    However, I do take issue with the terrible writing in this article. It drips with cliches. He even says at one point, “I want to thank her for– it’s now such a cliché that I’m almost embarrassed to write it — making me want to be a better man.” He even used the term (in all seriousness), “one brief, shining moment.” THAT’S what’s gross to me. It’s possible to talk about love without employing every cliche in the book. How the hell did this get published?

  • Fatemeh Says:

    Andrew Cohen is a narcissistic jerk and Lizzie Skurnick is a meddling shrew.

    I’d pay good money to see THAT reality show.

  • Elizabeth Says:

    Well. . .I don’t know about all that, but I think I come down on the side of creepy. It’s so clearly working out his own . . .um, baggage. Like exhibitionist therapy or something.

    I have a different wedding-related question from my very own life today. My husband has bunches of cousins who live far away and whom I’ve never met. We keep getting invited to their weddings (which are far away and to which we are not going to go), but the invitations don’t come from the bride or groom. They’re from the parents. “Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so request the pleasure of your attendance. . ..” Etc. My question: beyond RSVP-ing and sending a gift and note to the bride c/o the parent’s address, do I have to also reply to the parents? I’ve been sending short congratulatory notes along the lines of thanks v. much for the invitation, so sorry we can’t make this festive occasion, we’ll be thinking of you. Needed? Not? Weird? I really don’t know.

  • elsimom Says:

    I’m hoping that she didn’t hear about it until after the wedding (if at all) – and that if she did, she and her bridesmaids had fun mercilessly mocking his foibles.
    The only part I thought was sweet was that he mentioned that she was good to his son – that’s a nice thing to recognize – but why you’d do it in a nationally published column, I can’t imagine.
    And the part about the guilt and sadness, I’d have to say “She’s just not that into you.”

  • Amy Says:

    Selfish creep. :-) Unbelievable, really. Okay, no, believable, but still infuriating.

  • Jasmin Says:

    whether or not he had the purest of intentions, his passive-aggressive “gift” should have been shared in private. I would have been one very confused and angry bride. imagine being forced on your wedding day (!) to take a trip down memory lane, which would undoubtedly create an unpalatable emotional cocktail of discomfort, compassion, pity, and–I hope–relief.

    Cohen, I am truly sorry for your loss and pain, but save it for your therapist or take it offline. this was so very tactless and disrespectful. :(

  • Meg Says:

    Yeah, let’s file that under, “Not ok.” I hope no one sent her that link till she was *back* from her honeymoon.

    Also, when he got to “women of a certain age in New York who have chosen their careers…” that’s what we call a RED FLAG and also a DOUBLE STANDARD. I believe the gentleman writer is single (I hope he is, considering)? And has a career? But it’s ok for him and not admirable for said women? I’ve known many career women of a certain age in New York. They are brave and strong and have dodged many bullets that sound a whole lot like this…

  • Brittany Says:

    I read his first and thought, Sweet, he’s trying to let go and telling the world, but She makes a bunch of great points. Bad Bad etiquette. He should have wrote it for himself and never hit Publish.

    I’m going to have to come down the side of Creepy.

    In reading his response to her, he’s just mean. He got to say his piece to the world so why can’t she comment. It was made public (by him) after all. Why is she a shrew? Grow up. No wonder she left.

  • Christy Says:

    Lest Lizzie Skurnick’s column insinuate that this kind of awkwardness is unique to men, I share this: I got a card in the mail the day before my commitment ceremony from a girl I dated for four years and had not spoken to in the four years after the breakup. It contained an apology for sleeping with my best friend and best wishes for the rest of my life. The address was in another person’s handwriting and there was no return address (had I known who the card was from, I’d have thrown it away unopened).

    When this ex and I reconnected recently on facebook and I told her how angry that had made me, she told me that (1) she didn’t know her friends had sent it (um, how did they get my mailing address?) and that she didn’t know I was getting married that week (yeah right!).

    So let’s not blame men only. Ex girlfriends can be just as bad.

  • Annalise Says:

    Creepy. Selfish. Rude.

  • Juliannah Says:

    He just wants his ten minutes of fame. Or so he thought.
    I vote creepy.

  • Tim Says:

    As a self abosorbed, and typically ill equipped to handle emotion, American male, I too think his post was really creepy. Please accept my sincere apologies for all men of my kind.

  • Megan Says:

    I am so embarrassed for him. Because something tells me he will never understand why he should be.

  • Beth Says:

    I couldn’t help but think of the potential women in his future who are expected to live up to “contours and a calculus” of his life’s dreams as shaped by The Ex. More power to him if he is a richer person as a result of their relationship (I think we all hope we’ve grown from the relationships in our lives), but in this case it feels like he still thinks he’s in the relationship and she’s moved on. A shut the door.

    I doubt his message was written from anything but a sincere place. Unfortunately, his brand of sincerity is misguided and overly self-indulgent. He completely missed the mark on a target at which he should never have taken aim. I would imagine The Bride has a much better sense of him than his reading public, and can appreciate it without (hopefully) paying it too much attention. She’s got far more exciting things to celebrate!!! A wedding! Champagne toasts! First dances! Bliss!

    All that said, well intended or not, it’s the one gift every bride can do without.

  • Jen Says:

    Ohhh boy. There can only be one possible outcome this duded hoped for: a romantic-comedy-style race back into his arms.

    Also, how weird were all the random facts about her? “She’s from the West Coast… she loves vodka and soda… she never wanted to stay in NY…” Is this a guessing game?

    Creep-tastic… unless he wrote it in a private journal and kept it in a drawer for 80 years and then it was published after his death. Then, maybe, a little bit sweet.

  • Lauren Says:

    I would be so pissed and frustrated if my ex does this to me in a year. Because now everyone is going to be asking “oh my god, what did you think of the article?! Did you see it? How do you feel.” And duh, it’s my wedding day, let’s focus on THIS union, not the one that never happened! Maybe a year after the wedding, a memoir esque essay would be fine, whatever, but on the day? Please. That is incredibly self centered and not at all out of purely good intentions.

  • Jennifer Says:

    In my limited experience of this, only the ickiest ex-boyfriends ever called again, leaving me free to assume that the ones I might not have minded calls from have too much class to do such a thing. The logic is twisted but simple: call equals creepy; no call equals wishing he would. In the world of ex-mates, wanting is much, much better than having.

  • jenG Says:

    Selfish, deluded creep who really REALLY wants to believe in his stated motive.

    I had a less…effusive experience when a high school sweetheart realized I’d gotten married. It was less tribute and more “I’m still really sore about her kissing that other guy 10+ years ago, and now I know I’ll never sleep with her.” We’re friends and there’s a better-than-fair chance we’ll cross paths again (there’s a better-than-fair chance he’ll be in the room when I marry that guy I kissed 10+ years ago), and I’ll meet the wife who was his girlfriend when he penned that very public blog post.

    Which won’t be awkward at ALL.

  • Kate Says:

    I am fully in the “creepy” camp; this is was utterly tactless at best, and scary at worst. The article just smacked of control issues to me, as though this man was trying to levy a degree of control over his (very wise) ex on her wedding day. That reads to me to be far more of a Gavin de Becker-esque red flag for potential abusive suitors than a sweet message to an old friend whom you merely intended to congratulate on her marriage. A message of congratulations simply would be that, and it would be conveyed privately.

  • Sara Says:

    I thought his original article was beyond tacky…to write a public piece like that on her wedding day?! Totally inappropriate and self-absorbed. I’m glad he got called out on it.

  • denise Says:

    #31 Beth, I was thinking that this guy is never going to get a girlfriend again. That whole article is totally manipulative. “Until almost literally his dying day, my dad would ask me about her”. UGH!

  • sprizee Says:

    Selfish creep who’s cheap to boot. Yeah, how is he still single?

  • Laura Says:

    He’s an ass. It’s sad.

  • shevon Says:

    It was gross.

  • everydayamy Says:

    Totally inappropriate for a wedding day. And totally inappropriate for PUBLISHING ON THE INTERNET. If he felt like he needed to express his appreciation, he should have written a letter and mailed it, privately – on a date not-close-at-all to her wedding.

  • Heather Says:

    I’ve been reading nothing but biographies this summer, and they all have long public confessionals about loves lost, so I was willing to cut the columnist a break since he probably won’t ever have an autobiography. But the line about absolving her from guilt was gross, and never telling his father they broke up is creepy, and the whole thing just went on too long.

  • robin Says:

    Creepy.

    You don’t say the things left unsaid. They’re unsaid for a reason.

    You finish the letter that you write but never send so that it includes the ugly parts and the thankful parts. If you edit out the ugly parts to make yourself sound truly grateful, you sound like (what everyone else said) a narcissistic jerk.

  • Cathi Says:

    Incredibly selfish and narcissistic.

  • Chryse Says:

    Just plain bad and awful and cringe-worthy. It was a tribute to himself, thinly veiled as an open letter to someone else.

  • fran Says:

    Chryse–Yes! Exactly! Not once was there an element to that letter that was truly praising the woman to whom it was addressed. It was all about him and his ego.

    And, as evidenced by his heartfelt comments about career-minded women (as well as his truly misogynist comments about the columnist who pointed out the faults in his letter), it is obvious that this man does not respect women in the least. He, as a gift, is releasing the bride from her guilt about dumping him? Buddy, that lady already has her gift: the gift of not being in a relationship with you.

  • Kate Says:

    definitely selfish creep. no way would i want to read all that from an ex anywhere near the time of my wedding. ugh.

  • Lauren Says:

    #30–exactly! The worst part is that he has no clue it is presumptuous, self-indulgent drivel. Yikes. Thank god she didn’t marry him.

  • A Says:

    No man wants to hear how his bride loved and was loved and is still loved. I can guarantee there was crying involved because of this article(somewhere in a bathroom eventually) and some tension depending on how jealous the groom is.

    As a bride it wouldn’t bother me, but it would make me angry because of the effect on others. I think he should have published this in a year as “things I left unsaid on your wedding day – i hope you had a great year”.

    Men were never great when it comes to empathy. Any men doing something like this should check with a woman.

  • Megan Says:

    Um. I’d be a bit more relaxed about it. I seriously doubt that the bride checked her ex’s column on the day she married – I know I wouldn’t have – so it had no effect on her day.

    The letter is self-focused and also hints at perhaps why the relationship didn’t take, but it’s not malicious.

    To me it screams too many glasses of wine, sad music and self pity the night before which resulted in a hangover that for him will outlast and annoyance on her side.

    These are the kinds of messages you usually write but then wisely never send. He’s getting his comeuppance. It’s a very public Cringe.

  • Rose Says:

    Do men ever not have a ‘true love’ who is ‘beautiful’ and ‘young’?

  • Amy Says:

    ok… I realize I’m completely in the minority here, but I think it’s kind of sweet. I think #51 Megan nailed it- it’s a public “Cringe”.

    But then I also am thinking with the frame of mind that it wasn’t meant maliciously, but with a genuine heart of well-wishing.

    Of course, he still should have sent something from Tiffanys.

  • Heather Jamieson Says:

    He needs to learn how to write well and when to shut up. Blech.

  • Alison Says:

    It has a real Nice Guy vibe… at least I’ve gotten similar letters from boys with Nice Guy syndrome. I am sure he didn’t mean it maliciously, but it was certainly selfish. It’s a one-sided heart-to-heart (I realize that phrase makes zero sense) which is unfair to her. When I got a letter like that, I felt like my personal space had been violated. Hopefully no one showed her the letter.

  • hippittee Says:

    overall, i think andrew was very self absorbed in his actions…and in that regard, lizzie got it right.

    the piece certainly serves as a cautionary tale, but probably not in the way the author intended!

    megan #51 is spot on as well – *cringe* – and i would add there is a third party affected here – andrew’s future girlfriend. i mean really, who would want to take that rebound?

  • gesikah Says:

    Good Lord! I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but after actually reading it… Creepy but sweet would be one thing, but this is just completely masturbatory.

    I actually get the desire for a little catharsis, even it being tinged with a little maliciousness. Right? no, but understandable.

    The line (and it’s not even a thin one) where it crosses from merely selfish to vindictive is when it went from something many could identify with but only she would know to whom he was referring into something no one but he could identify with and everyone that knew anything about him OR her would know exactly who he was talking about.

    It’s the difference between “To the one that got away: Thanks, you still mean a lot to me.” and “To Mary Ellen Cummerbund: If you ever want to piss off that tool you were stupid and selfish enough to marry instead of me, drop me a call.”

  • La Cubana Gringa Says:

    What Andrew Cohen should have done if he really needed to get that off his chest: sent her that letter privately. And not on her wedding day. What he did instead: took advantage of his access to the public and, in an inappropriate setting, made a sad display of himself. Public emotional masturbation is always regrettable.

    I high-5 Lizzie Skurnick who may have been a tad bit bitchy, but but with a very good point. (Well, five, actually.) Which may be why she’s single…no one likes a bitchy know-it-all, even when she IS right.

  • Auntie Yolanda Says:

    “…worldly absolution from any guilt or sadness she felt between the time she said no to me and the time she said yes to him.” and “No one ought to have to carry that with them into a marriage.”

    He thinks he’s a priest and is granting her absolution? As a practicing catholic, he is the one who needs absolution because it is written n stone that “thou shalt not covet they neighbor’s wife” He is clearly the one who needs to ask for absolution. There is no commandment stating, “Thou shalt feel guilt for dumping a self absorbed jerk who thinks you should have married him”
    Whew! What a jerk! Women of NYC beware this nincompoop.

  • Stacy Says:

    He’s navel-gazing asshole.

  • Emily Says:

    Where were the editors in all of this?

  • Stacy Says:

    He’s a navel-gazing asshole.

  • Jessica Eiden Smedley Says:

    It was really painful to read his column. Nothing but narcissistic, self-serving, woe-is-me bullshit.

  • Nicole Gibby Munguia Says:

    creepily self-indulgent. This falls into the category of “letters you should write but never mail/publish/allow to see the light of day”

  • Min Says:

    That guy is a selfish n00b. She clearly has moved on, she is getting married to someone else.

    The reason he is looking at her all rose colored is because he thought he would marry her? HE DID NOT MARRY HER BECAUSE HE DID NOT WANT TO.

    Women beware!

  • dani Says:

    Ridiculously selfish. Why do men always do this to women who have moved on?

  • JimGuy Says:

    As a guy, that made me cringe. As I was reading I thought, “maybe if you had told her these things–you know–when you were together, she wouldn’t be an ex.”

    She may have made him want to be a better man, but I don’t think he wanted it enough.

  • pvz Says:

    Creep, and I say that as a guy.

    He’s clearly not as collected or together as he’s trying to convince himself he is. I feel sad for her because of the public nature of his post. It would be bad enough if it was a private note, but….

  • amy j Says:

    I’m sorry, but having experienced something similiar, though not written publicly, in my life, I must say that this guy is not only romantic, but truly sounds thankful and forever moved by this woman. How often do we insist on men being forthright about their innermost feelings and then bash them when they can’t cut the mustard…yet when they do we call them creep or selfish or whatever. I don’t think his intent, at all, was to make her feel bad or creeped out or whatever. He wanted to let her know how much she impacted him and totally express it while it was still ok to (not AFTER she was married). I totally applaud him for the move and respect his willingness to bare it all!

    I had a man feel that way towards me, express it in much the same way and be my best friend for years and years, after we were both married…until he committed suicide last year. It never, ever would have occurred to me to think he was a creep or selfish. What it did do was clear the air and open up a means for a deep and lasting friendship that meant the world to me and only added to my life. I just imagine if he had not made that attempt so many years ago, how I would not have nearly two decades of him in my life as I changed and lived and became a mother.

    I really get peeved when women preach about how men never show emotion, yet tell them to shut it when they do! That’s way more creepy and annoying than a public declaration of how one person loves and cares for another. I would think many women reading that piece would clamor for a man who, however long it took and under whatever circumstances, was able to understand the meaning of deep love and admiration for a mate and eventually express it in such a profound way!!

  • Andie R Says:

    I want to send this to my beau who seems unable to make up his mind as whether or not he can ever walk down the aisle again with a note that says “Don’t end up like this jackass.”

  • Elis Says:

    Self-absorbed douchebag.

  • Diane Says:

    Self-important and self-absorbed at the very least. I thought Skurnik’s response was wonderful.

  • Dangercat166 Says:

    This is the kind of guy that makes this guy shake my head and feel quite strongly o call him an inappropriate name. I settle for, “Loser,” and, “Jackass.” I will think to my self, “Desperate smelling cyber-stalker.” By the way, was he invited or sent an announcement or invitation or did he do this embarrassing 100% act unbidden?

  • Karen Says:

    If I were the ‘bride that got away’ (THANK GOD) I would think to myself, well- he finally got it out of his system (although it was via cyberspace and will be read by millions) and now I hope he never, ever thinks of me AGAIN.

  • Krystyn Says:

    Be still my heart, I would have left my groom at the alter for that one!

    It would have been MORE romantic if he stood up at the wedding and announced she was “the love of his life”. They could run off hand in hand to his convertible, her wedding veil flowing in the wind as they drive off in the sunset bound for eternal love.

    In all seriousness, I was once stalked by an ex. One important thing I learned from therapy was it wasn’t about me, or any real love for me, but his insecurities, losses he had experienced early in life and a need for control.

    “Timing is everything?”

    Restraining orders are everything and more.

  • Erin Says:

    eh, he feels what he feels, and it probably made her feel like shit. But look what he lost. So, on goes life.

  • Alderete Says:

    Selfish, and sad. As a man, I was embarrassed reading his column, for him and for my gender. It was all about him, and his regret. It read like an exercise his therapist gave him, “Write a letter to her on her wedding day,” that they would discuss in his next session, and he decided to turn it in at work instead…

  • Zoe Says:

    Cohen probably doesn’t realize it, but this letter is all about him — not her, and not what’s best for her and her new husband on THEIR WEDDING DAY.

    At the very least, he could have expressed this privately to her– not to thousands of people. It’s selfish. Skurnick could have been more sensitive, but she’s right.

  • jill Says:

    Hmmm, he’s pathetic. I don’t think it was heartfelt in the least. His attempt at swooning other women into thinking he’s a introspective and a now changed man has failed miserably.

    It sort of reminds me of my own wedding… my oldest and dearest friend’s brother (we all grew up together every summer when I visited my grandparents in Oklahoma) “tried” to flirt with me at my reception. He and I had a moment one summer where he tried to kiss me (I was 12 and he was 15) and back then I considered it my first love and crushed on him from afar for years… but fast forward 25 years later and he’s going to bring this up at my reception? And ask me if remember our love? Men, ugh…

  • verdemama Says:

    The first paragraph started innocently enough but it quickly devolved into being so, so very creepy, and just went on and on and on. He kinda has a stalker vibe about him… if I were his ex I’d be watching for him in dark alleys.

  • Karen from Chookooloonks Says:

    Hopelessly creepy romantic, I’d say.

  • Steph Says:

    I rather enjoyed Lizzie’s response.

  • Dawn Says:

    I’m with Lizzie on this, particularly on the opinion that what that guy did was “catastrophically narcissistic.”

    Hopefully if the bride ever saw it, she took one look at it, knew it had NOTHING IN THE WORLD TO DO WITH HER, and promptly forgot about it.

    Yuck.

  • amanda Says:

    Heartfelt but misguided is how I read it. It’s not a story about a man expressing his emotions, it’s a story about a man not thinking about how his actions affect someone else. The whole “chatty cathy” thing that Skurnick brings up. And, it’s clear that Skurnick is not just talking about *this guy* but all these guys who are in relationships who take a very narcissistic view on romance and love. These “nice guys” who turn bitter because women have made them so. It’s ridiculous.

    Also, his response to her after the fact tells the whole story. Called out he resorts to the timeless put-down of women: you’re all just shrews made bitter because you can’t get a man. I was waiting for him to call her a fat, hairy-legged lesbian.

    The truth I see in his letter is that he loved his catch of a younger woman (she stood up to her friends) and it made him look good to the people he knew including his family (my son isn’t a failure — look at his beautiful girlfriend!). He claims that she restored his faith in love but I’m not buying it. With his attitude about women and their (stupid) career aspirations, he may find it difficult to not get burned again.

    Ugh. Sorry. I’m sure in his heart it felt romantic but these things are all about perspective. Intent is really only half the story.

  • Ashley Says:

    After I read these columns, I imagined Lizzie and Andrew meeting in person a la You’ve Got Mail, falling in love and laughing about their battle of words over half chocolate and half vanilla wedding cake.

  • Lola Says:

    I have to vote selfish creep based on how incredibly uncomfortable I was by the end of Cohen’s um “tribute.” Skurnick hit the nail on the head — that letter had nothing to do with the bride.

  • meg Says:

    This clown sounds like my ex, and they’re all exes for a reason, a reason he, too, has failed to bring to the public.

    I once dated a guy in my mid – twenties who was completely lost and irresponsible. He would cut classes while attending community college and had gotten fired once for showing up at work still drunk. But did I put up with such behavior? No. I told him I would end the relationship if he didn’t apply himself and prove that he was better than the examples he’d set.

    My ex got married last weekend to a girl he met while earning his Master’s in paleobiology. He not only finished community college, but earned his Bachelor’s, and now he’s applying to schools throughout the world to earn his Doctorates Degree in Paleobiology. Don’t get me wrong – I’m happy for him – but I got nothing out of that relationship…which is why I had ended it three years ago.

    I whole heartedly feel the writer is being selfish. It must be nice to get so far in life and only giving your ex loved ones headaches and heart ache in return. Good riddance…

  • Nikki Says:

    Finding this written in his journal after he died would be romantic. Publishing it for all the world to see (as well as his ex’s husband) is just selfish. Truly being happy for her would be a public “you deserve this happiness and your husband is a luck man” and a private lament of what you lost.

  • e Says:

    There’s a time and a place for everything.

    A man I loved once let me walk away from the relationship. I told him that I was in love with him but was pretty sure he was not in love with me, so I wanted to end the “dating” part in hopes of salvaging our very good friendship. A month or two of avoiding each other, another month or so of tip-toeing, and it worked – we got past the awkwardness and were able to resume our friendship for a year or so.

    He moved out of town and we didn’t stay in touch as much, and a few months later I heard through the grapevine that he was getting married. I came home and cried, but was happy for him.

    Then, about a year after he got married, he called me up one afternoon to tell me he loved me, he had never loved his wife, he married her in a futile attempt to forget me, he had ALWAYS loved me (even when he stood there staring at the wall while I explained that I wanted to salvage our friendship), and that although he would never leave his wife, he just couldn’t stand the thought of me never knowing these things. His words: “It would break my heart if you were to die without knowing how much I love you.”

    He seemed completely unable to understand why I felt angry, hurt, betrayed, and bewildered (did I mention angry?) by his timing – and even said, “I thought women always want to know that the guy loved them, even if it’s too late.”

    A time, and a place. His confession of love was in the wrong time and place, and so was Cohen’s. Those same words spoken in a different medium, on a different day, in a different set of circumstances, might have been lovely. In his column and on the internet on the day she’s marrying someone else? Heinous.

  • Danielle Says:

    selfish, and disrespectful of her.

  • Amanda Says:

    I think it’s rare to see that kind of technicolor train wreck. I don’t know what he was expecting people would get for that, what she would get from it…so grossly inappropriate, particularly the dying father. I feel for her husband and maybe a little for the author because one day he is going to realize how untake-backable this act was.

  • Joyce Says:

    Technicolor train wreck about covers it. I hope her friends performed a collective dramatic reading of it that paralyzed everyone with laughter and put it into perspective.