I love this Ask MetaFilter thread on relationship hacks (via Not Martha). I recommend reading through the whole thing, but these are the points I’ve used to good effect. If you have any good advice, let me know.

-”Have a set ‘date night’ every week and don’t deviate from it unless you HAVE to. This is especially important if you have roommates or children.” -Unicorn on the Cob

-”Never yell. Heck, never even raise your voice.” -teg4rvn

-”…People often start negotiating from what they think they can get, not what they really want–so even if the other person says yes, they are still disappointed. …People should start by being honest about 100% of what they want. My partner and I use this all the time, for things big and small. ‘My 100% would be having dinner before we see the movie.’ ‘My 100% would be to move to a bigger house in two years.’
…One thing that is surprising is how often you can have your 100%–and then you feel really lucky and happy and loved. And you also have the satisfaction of knowing that you gave your partner what they _really_ wanted. On the other hand, if the 100% isn’t possible and you have to negotiate down from there you at least know that what you wanted was heard.” -Not that Girl

-”Don’t tell people they’re wrong about trivial things. Inevitably someone will insist something silly, like that Kevin Costner starred in The Fifth Element or whatnot. You’ll know they’re wrong, but saying so is just going to be taken as adversarial and lead to ill feelings that turn into fights… It’s not worth upsetting each other over something so unimportant.” -Pufferish

- “If you have friends of the indecisive sort, learn how to play 5-3-1. It’s a trick to settle the ‘where do you want to eat?’ ‘I don’t care, where do you want to eat?’ game. One partner names 5 places, the other eliminates two of those choices, and the first one eliminates the remaining two. It’s decision making in turns, and it works just as well as anything else.” -Alice Ayres

That last one has saved me hours just in the last week. Apparently I am the indecisive friend. How about you? Tell your secrets.

Red Rocket Print from John W. Golden

A few months before his third birthday, Hank comes into the living room where I’m working.

“Mama! You wanna see the moon?

“Sure.”

He takes my hand and leads me to the bedroom where Dad is already looking out the window in the dark. Hank closes the door to block the light from the hall, and comes to the window with us.

“The moon!” he says.

“The moon!” we say.

It’s a bright crescent moon, high above the apartment buildings. Hank sighs, “I never gonna get to the moon. The moon is very far away. I don’t know what kind of spaceship I need.”

“Yeah, what kind of spaceship do you need?” I say.

He says, “A red one, I think.”

Bryan turns to him, “Yeah. Those are always faster.”

Conversations my cab driver had last night:

With a red light:

“Whoa. WHOOOOOOOoooooa!”

With me:

“HOLD ON!… (Brakes aggressively.) Sorry about that.”

With his cell phone:

“OK. What time are you getting off? OK. What time are you getting off? OKOKOKOKOKOK. Man, what time are you getting off?

With me:

Him: Why are cell phones so useless for the simple exchange of information? You can’t get any information from them. Did you hear how many times I had to ask that guy what time he was getting off? It was like talking to a goddamn girlfriend…

Me:…

Him: Not to insult women or anything.

Me: Right. Except for how you were insulting women there.

Him: Nononononono. Most women are fine Except for the ones unfortunate enough to have dated me…

Me: …

Him: Women are great, most women are perfectly great. Except for the ones I’ve dated. Especially that one goddamn bitch who I dated in 1982…

Me: …

Him: Most women are fine. I mean. But not that one chick. She broke my heart. And here I am still pining for her…

Me: …

Him: Thirty years later, here I am still pining for that bitch.

Me: You can drop me here, thanks.

Writing thank you notes to my teachers is one of the goals on my Mighty List, and I’m starting off with a doozy.

A couple weeks ago, Bryan surprised me with a ticket to see a taping of the Oprah Winfrey Show. I’ve been watching Oprah since I was little, and as I’ve mentioned before, it inspires me:

“I cannot stop talking about the things I saw on Oprah. As I will myself to shut up, I can hear my mouth charging ahead with enthralling anecdotes about the Olsen twins’ business philosophies (shut up!), extending your passion to the world (shut! up!), and S-shaped bowel movements (ohmydeargod, shut up!). It’s gotten so bad that I decided I had to stop mentioning Oprah’s name in conversation. So now I say, “I saw this thing on… TV about how your poop is supposed to be S-shaped?” And all the women around me nod knowingly.”

You’re nodding right now, aren’t you? Yeah. That’s why you’re on my team.

I signed a contract saying I wouldn’t blog about behind-the-scenes stuff, so I thought I’d tell you how much it meant to be at the Harpo Studios.

Meeting Oprah is on my Mighty List, so when I found out I’d get to see a show taping, it was an oddly emotional week. On the plane ride, I kept tearing up thinking of how much I’ve been influenced by the show, and then pretending to be asleep so the flight attendant wouldn’t see my eyes misting “Oh, no no! It’s nothing. I’m just thinking about… TV.”

I knew I wouldn’t get to meet Oprah this time around, but I figured it would be enough to sit in the audience and radiate gratitude. And you know what? It was.

The crew was taping three shows that day, and I’m sure Oprah was up at 4 a.m. to work out, do some reading, then hair and makeup, then tend to the tedium of world domination. Seeing her at work, I realized I never, ever want to be yet another thing on her to-do list. What I want is to bring her a glass of wine. Bryan used to work in politics, and he said he feels the same way about getting photos with presidents. You see how hard they’re working for the things you believe in, and you just want to do something to ease their lives, instead of inserting yourself in their paths.

Sitting in that studio, I realized that I don’t need to meet Oprah. What I need to do is thank her. So here it is, my very first thank you note to a teacher:

Dear Oprah,

With thanks,
Maggie Mason

Me: We should really do more outdoorsy stuff, spend more time outside. It’s good for us.
Bryan: That’s why I picked a bar with a skylight.