Comments on: Relationship Hacks http://mightygirl.com/2010/04/20/relationship-hacks/ Famous Among Dozens Sat, 25 May 2013 00:04:52 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.4.1 By: ArgentAzure http://mightygirl.com/2010/04/20/relationship-hacks/#comment-1203732 ArgentAzure Sat, 24 Apr 2010 05:09:07 +0000 http://mightygirl.com/?p=7771#comment-1203732 When we have to have extremely uncomfortable conversations, like a fight or an argument or stating a desire that we think the other person will hate us for, my significant other and I make it into a story in the third person. "There's this girl, and she really likes this other girl, and the first girl feels [blah] about [blah], but is afraid to tell her girlfriend." It's always easier to solve other people's problems than to solve your own, and pretending it IS someone else's problem actually works pretty well. (I should point out in all fairness that we're both fiction writers.) In addition, saying something in third person is a signal between us that a) whatever we're discussing is something that might be emotionally fraught and that the conversation starter doesn't want to hurt the conversation joiner, and b) that the person bringing it up wants the person responding to take extra care with her, the bringer-up's, feelings because the topic is uncomfortable. It's worked every time. When we have to have extremely uncomfortable conversations, like a fight or an argument or stating a desire that we think the other person will hate us for, my significant other and I make it into a story in the third person. “There’s this girl, and she really likes this other girl, and the first girl feels [blah] about [blah], but is afraid to tell her girlfriend.”

It’s always easier to solve other people’s problems than to solve your own, and pretending it IS someone else’s problem actually works pretty well. (I should point out in all fairness that we’re both fiction writers.) In addition, saying something in third person is a signal between us that a) whatever we’re discussing is something that might be emotionally fraught and that the conversation starter doesn’t want to hurt the conversation joiner, and b) that the person bringing it up wants the person responding to take extra care with her, the bringer-up’s, feelings because the topic is uncomfortable. It’s worked every time.

]]> By: Pamela http://mightygirl.com/2010/04/20/relationship-hacks/#comment-1203728 Pamela Sat, 24 Apr 2010 03:36:04 +0000 http://mightygirl.com/?p=7771#comment-1203728 ugh, not "sure" I meant "sorry". ugh, not “sure” I meant “sorry”.

]]> By: Pamela http://mightygirl.com/2010/04/20/relationship-hacks/#comment-1203727 Pamela Sat, 24 Apr 2010 03:35:32 +0000 http://mightygirl.com/?p=7771#comment-1203727 It's no secret, but one of the best things you can do for your relationship is to learn how to make a sincere apology. Hint: "I'm sure IF..." is not a sincere apology. It looks a little something like this: "I'm sorry". Then the offended person prattles on and you say, "I'm sorry". I don't know if you watched the Real Housewives of OC where Lynn's husband Frank lied to her about their financial situation, but I was seriously cheering because that man - whether or not you liked what he did - KNOWS how to make a sincere, heartfelt apology. And omg, I'm quoting reality television. It’s no secret, but one of the best things you can do for your relationship is to learn how to make a sincere apology. Hint: “I’m sure IF…” is not a sincere apology. It looks a little something like this: “I’m sorry”. Then the offended person prattles on and you say, “I’m sorry”. I don’t know if you watched the Real Housewives of OC where Lynn’s husband Frank lied to her about their financial situation, but I was seriously cheering because that man – whether or not you liked what he did – KNOWS how to make a sincere, heartfelt apology.
And omg, I’m quoting reality television.

]]> By: Sarah http://mightygirl.com/2010/04/20/relationship-hacks/#comment-1203675 Sarah Thu, 22 Apr 2010 21:36:59 +0000 http://mightygirl.com/?p=7771#comment-1203675 This is all fantastic advice. As for 5-3-1, I've been 3-2-1-ing it since high school, and it's the best way to make any sort of dinner/bar decision. I like Holly's advice about knowing when to keep your mouth shut. That's one I try to remember but never remember enough. In my own romantic relationship, we always try to fight from a place of kindness. It's fine to argue, or even get really angry, just so long as you never let it get nasty. This is all fantastic advice. As for 5-3-1, I’ve been 3-2-1-ing it since high school, and it’s the best way to make any sort of dinner/bar decision.

I like Holly’s advice about knowing when to keep your mouth shut. That’s one I try to remember but never remember enough.

In my own romantic relationship, we always try to fight from a place of kindness. It’s fine to argue, or even get really angry, just so long as you never let it get nasty.

]]> By: tüp bebek http://mightygirl.com/2010/04/20/relationship-hacks/#comment-1203668 tüp bebek Thu, 22 Apr 2010 19:37:01 +0000 http://mightygirl.com/?p=7771#comment-1203668 - remember you’re on the same team, even when you’re fighting. Fighting isn’t about winning; it’s about finding a solution for the team. - remember you’re on the same team, even when you’re fighting. Fighting isn’t about winning; it’s about finding a solution for the team.

]]> By: dgm http://mightygirl.com/2010/04/20/relationship-hacks/#comment-1203657 dgm Wed, 21 Apr 2010 22:51:57 +0000 http://mightygirl.com/?p=7771#comment-1203657 Our household uses the same three, Elsa, and I think it fosters a dynamic of trust and respect. I will add an important one that works in so many different types of relationships: we call it "Ignoring Powers Activated!" for those times when it is sooooooo tempting to let someone bait you into drama or into behaving less civilly than you would otherwise wish to. Additionally, this one from that guy who did the "5 Love Languages" book: know your own love language (i.e., the type of expression by another that fills your love tank--is it physical affection? gifts? acts of service? quality time? words of affirmation?) and know the language of those you love so that you can show them you love them in a way they understand. For example, my son is very, very physically affectionate and giving him a hug "fills him up." My daughter loves to give her friends little gifts (nothing expensive--sometimes it's just a picture she has drawn). It makes her soooooo happy if I come home with a little trinket or poem or something tangible that shows I've been thinking of her. Our household uses the same three, Elsa, and I think it fosters a dynamic of trust and respect. I will add an important one that works in so many different types of relationships: we call it “Ignoring Powers Activated!” for those times when it is sooooooo tempting to let someone bait you into drama or into behaving less civilly than you would otherwise wish to.

Additionally, this one from that guy who did the “5 Love Languages” book: know your own love language (i.e., the type of expression by another that fills your love tank–is it physical affection? gifts? acts of service? quality time? words of affirmation?) and know the language of those you love so that you can show them you love them in a way they understand. For example, my son is very, very physically affectionate and giving him a hug “fills him up.” My daughter loves to give her friends little gifts (nothing expensive–sometimes it’s just a picture she has drawn). It makes her soooooo happy if I come home with a little trinket or poem or something tangible that shows I’ve been thinking of her.

]]> By: Elsa http://mightygirl.com/2010/04/20/relationship-hacks/#comment-1203650 Elsa Wed, 21 Apr 2010 16:37:56 +0000 http://mightygirl.com/?p=7771#comment-1203650 When I first read the 5-3-1 tip, my mouth dropped open in awe at its simplicity, and we used it that very day. Instead of dithering over possibilities until I was in a red haze of suppressed murderous low-blood-sugar rage, we suddenly had A) a plan; B) food! My own little relationship smoothers are pretty simple: - remember you're on the same team, even when you're fighting. Fighting isn't about winning; it's about finding a solution for the team. - the first one home should make a big deal over the second one. Stop what you're doing, greet them, make a bit of a fuss. (I learned this one from <a href="http://www.thesneeze.com/2009/stevies-home-my-traditional-valentines-love-tip.php" rel="nofollow">Steve</a>.) - Say "please" and "thank you" and "I love you." Avoid "never" and "always." And I use the same assessment as Sarah above: "if someone else said this to them, would I want to kick some ass?" When I first read the 5-3-1 tip, my mouth dropped open in awe at its simplicity, and we used it that very day. Instead of dithering over possibilities until I was in a red haze of suppressed murderous low-blood-sugar rage, we suddenly had A) a plan; B) food!

My own little relationship smoothers are pretty simple:

- remember you’re on the same team, even when you’re fighting. Fighting isn’t about winning; it’s about finding a solution for the team.

- the first one home should make a big deal over the second one. Stop what you’re doing, greet them, make a bit of a fuss. (I learned this one from Steve.)

- Say “please” and “thank you” and “I love you.” Avoid “never” and “always.”

And I use the same assessment as Sarah above: “if someone else said this to them, would I want to kick some ass?”

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