There is never, ever, ever a reason to help the abuser out of criminal trouble, no matter their relation. It ABSOLUTELY sends the wrong message to the victim, no matter how many ways you try to convince them otherwise. I have a close family member that experienced this exact thing (before I was born)… Her abuser was never “allowed” to be alone with her again, but he went on to live a normal life, perhaps abuse other children — who knows, and she had to see him at family reunions & just know he was out there facing no consequences. She may have eventually gotten past the actual abuse, but she has NEVER forgiven her the adult family members who let him get away with it.

I am not a mom yet (hopefully within 5-ish years) but I had the extreme misfortune of being sexually abused by my father when I was a toddler. I was old enough to express in very general terms what had happened to my mother, who had separated from my father several months before the incident, and she took the appropriate steps of calling the child protection services and I participated in play therapy, etc.

However, I never wanted to talk about it and neither did she, and that was probably the worst thing that we could have done psychologically. It happened, I did a month of play therapy, she filled my little book-shelf with children’s books about sexual abuse, and that was it.

When I was 17 years old I started having extreme flashbacks and nightmares. I’ve done a lot of therapy since then, but I feel that my mom should have been more vigilant when I was younger to make extra sure that I was processing it. Because it really does affect you for the rest of your life.

Thankfully, despite the trauma I definitely live a full life. I am able to serve many abused women and children through my legal practice, and I find it extremely fulfilling.

I guess my point is that prevention is obviously key here, but sexual abuse can happen to anybody in any demographic, and as a parent even if your child seems to be thriving after an abusive experience it’s prooooobably a good idea not to assume that your child has completely ‘healed’.

When I have children eventually I will definitely not pressure them into hugging and kissing when they do not want to–I thought that was a great point!

Not sure why the link isn’t working for lots of you. I tried fixing it, but the video is still available on the main page of Momversation.com if you can’t get through.

Leigh, I’m glad you posted, and I’m so sorry about your cousin and mother. What a tough climb to get the point where you can emotionally realize that you had nothing to do with how they treated you.

Jan, you too. I’m glad to hear that story, because I think hiding your fury and horror would be the toughest (and most important) thing you could do as a parent.

As for the rest, we don’t force hugs and kisses either (and OH did we hear about that from the in-laws!). Zoe’s daycare really pushes the “keep your hands to yourself” and telling your friends “I DON’T LIKE THAT” when they’re doing something you don’t like.

I think it’s all part of thinking of your child, and thus treating them, like an ACTUAL person.

The comments made by Jan and the book suggestion “Protecting the Gift”, I found particularly helpful. Thanks, Maggie, for getting this started.

The program included interviews with three child predators (as well as three victims) who described how they picked their targets… how they “groomed” them for abuse. I can tell you they are smart, they are patient, they are ruthless. All of those interviewed, including a father of two boys, knew the children they abused either as students, athletes or friends of their children.

So, while some people might think it’s over-protective not to allow sleepovers… I’d just ask you to be a little more thoughtful the next time your child asks to spend the night at a friend’s house. The one abuser used to prod his sons to pick certain children to invite for sleepovers… and then he would abuse them while he bathed them before bed.

As for concrete tips, the course instructors told us to encourage open communication from Day 1 and, most importantly, teach our children the proper names of their body parts — to demystify our sexual parts and empower children in their bodies.

I hope you don’t mind, Maggie, I posted similar comments at Momversation. I just wanted to share some of this with your readers who may not wade through the numerous comments over there.

The course was totally frightening… but well worth it. My oldest is 5 and so far hasn’t been invited to sleepovers. Honestly, I’m not sure how I’ll respond when she gets the inevitable invite.

I tell everyone I know to read this book. It helped me to be able to think clearly & rationally about a topic that most of us just want to run screaming from. It’s also very encouraging, because you can sum it up in three words: trust your instincts. Your “wild brain” as he calls it, your subconscious, is extremely good at figuring out when you’re in danger. Trusting that part of myself that just has a bad feeling about something has been crucial to my development as a parent and as a person in general. The book has a lot of good ideas about how to develop that trust in kids, from infancy on up. I think that’s similar to what Maggie’s talking about — letting your child set the boundaries for his or her own levels of affection is telling them to trust their own instincts with other people. DeBecker also takes down some of the safety myths out there — for instance, telling a kid to find a policeman if they’re in trouble might not be the greatest idea, because there isn’t a policeman at every corner, and to a kid, anyone in uniform (like a security guard) looks like the police. He suggests telling your kid to find a woman and politely ask for help, since statistically, women are much less likely to be dangerous to children and much more likely to help a child.

Thanks for bringing this up.