There is never, ever, ever a reason to help the abuser out of criminal trouble, no matter their relation. It ABSOLUTELY sends the wrong message to the victim, no matter how many ways you try to convince them otherwise. I have a close family member that experienced this exact thing (before I was born)… Her abuser was never “allowed” to be alone with her again, but he went on to live a normal life, perhaps abuse other children — who knows, and she had to see him at family reunions & just know he was out there facing no consequences. She may have eventually gotten past the actual abuse, but she has NEVER forgiven her the adult family members who let him get away with it.

I am not a mom yet (hopefully within 5-ish years) but I had the extreme misfortune of being sexually abused by my father when I was a toddler. I was old enough to express in very general terms what had happened to my mother, who had separated from my father several months before the incident, and she took the appropriate steps of calling the child protection services and I participated in play therapy, etc.

However, I never wanted to talk about it and neither did she, and that was probably the worst thing that we could have done psychologically. It happened, I did a month of play therapy, she filled my little book-shelf with children’s books about sexual abuse, and that was it.

When I was 17 years old I started having extreme flashbacks and nightmares. I’ve done a lot of therapy since then, but I feel that my mom should have been more vigilant when I was younger to make extra sure that I was processing it. Because it really does affect you for the rest of your life.

Thankfully, despite the trauma I definitely live a full life. I am able to serve many abused women and children through my legal practice, and I find it extremely fulfilling.

I guess my point is that prevention is obviously key here, but sexual abuse can happen to anybody in any demographic, and as a parent even if your child seems to be thriving after an abusive experience it’s prooooobably a good idea not to assume that your child has completely ‘healed’.

When I have children eventually I will definitely not pressure them into hugging and kissing when they do not want to–I thought that was a great point!

Not sure why the link isn’t working for lots of you. I tried fixing it, but the video is still available on the main page of Momversation.com if you can’t get through.

Leigh, I’m glad you posted, and I’m so sorry about your cousin and mother. What a tough climb to get the point where you can emotionally realize that you had nothing to do with how they treated you.

Jan, you too. I’m glad to hear that story, because I think hiding your fury and horror would be the toughest (and most important) thing you could do as a parent.

As for the rest, we don’t force hugs and kisses either (and OH did we hear about that from the in-laws!). Zoe’s daycare really pushes the “keep your hands to yourself” and telling your friends “I DON’T LIKE THAT” when they’re doing something you don’t like.

I think it’s all part of thinking of your child, and thus treating them, like an ACTUAL person.

The comments made by Jan and the book suggestion “Protecting the Gift”, I found particularly helpful. Thanks, Maggie, for getting this started.