Mighty Life List
Aug 4 2009

I Do Not Lick Thee, Dr. Fell

Yesterday, once again, I found myself at the periodontist’s with a gas mask over my face. As you may recall, I don’t particularly enjoy laughing gas, as I am a control-oriented sort, but the alternative is usually less appealing in these instances.

I took a few deep breaths, and began to hear the telltale electric beat deep in my ears. The periodontist leaned in with his gloved hands, and they seemed absurdly big. I thought, “This is the only non-sexual scenario in which a man has ever had his fingers in my mouth.”

I laughed. Then I blushed. Then I became hyper aware of my tongue, and spent the next hour wracked with concern about accidentally doing something untoward. In conclusion, laughing gas is wasted on me.

10 Responses to “I Do Not Lick Thee, Dr. Fell”

  • beyond Says:

    i was offered laughing gas once once. i had them check with the insurance company to see if it was covered. it wasn’t, so i didn’t. i’ve always wondered how it would be…

  • Cameron Says:

    I hadn’t had laughing gas in years till last month. The inner monologue that followed:

    This stuff isn’t doing anything. The air smells sweet. Mmmm-chk mmm-chk mmm-chk…maybe I do like techno music. I should start writing techno music. It would be awkward if I told the hygenist how horny I feel right now. Because her hand is in my mouth. Ow. That hurts. So good. Mmm-chk mmm-chk. This stuff isn’t doing anything.

    Fin.

  • MotherProof Says:

    Too funny! Even funnier is what happens when they give your kid the laughing gas.

  • Josephine Says:

    I’m with you on control, Maggie. When I went in to have my wisdom teeth taken out they gave me laughing gas “to calm me down” before they knocked me out completely.

    What actually happened was that I felt like I was floating out of my body when I closed my eyes and slamming back down into my body when I opened my eyes. Needless to say, this freaked me out rather than calmed me down and they were forced to reassess their approach. No more laughing gas. Ever.

  • Kelly Says:

    I, too, worry about doing something untoward at the dentist’s office.

    The fact that we have this in common is one of the many reasons I read your blog religiously.

  • Ryan Elizabeth Says:

    Oooh, laughing gas is bad, bad news for me. I had it when I was in 7th grade, and I tried to kill my dentist, like kill him dead. I think there were about 4 people holding me down at one point. Good times! There is now a HUGE florescent sticker on my file with a giant warning printed on it. No more gas for me.
    Twilight sleep, on the other hand, I love. I get chatty and happy to the point that I once told a nurse I loved her so many times she shushed me. Nothing like getting shushed during a surgical procedure.

  • Renee Says:

    I can’t do laughing gas either. My body goes ape, and in turn I hyper react. Then monitors start beeping and they start throwing cold water on me and pumping me with oxygen.

    Now they give me Valium. The world is a much better place when I go to the dentist slightly looped.

  • Lauren Says:

    This is the best thread I’ve ever read. ever.

  • Susan Says:

    Sadly, my prudish brain is still trying to figure out what sexual scenario would involve someone’s fingers in your mouth. I have never been offered laughing gas, but am now jealous after Cameron’s recap.

  • Kim Says:

    Last time I had drugs in the dentist’s office I distinctly remember thinking “Oh my god, I shouldn’t be drunk at the dentist” before passing out.