Mighty Life List
Mar 9 2009

10 Days with Gwyneth Paltrow’s Trainer, Day 1

So, last month, I had some surprising success with that video by Gwyneth Paltrow’s trainer, Tracy Anderson, and then I had emergency oral surgery. My mouth has finally stopped throbbing when I move (party at my place!), so I’m trying this again. I’ll start with five days now, five days after SxSW.

Day One report:

I move the coffee table and shove aside train sets, Hotwheels, Thomas DVD cases. Soon I have almost enough room to unroll a yoga mat and get to work.

“Now we’re going to start with your warmup,” Tracy Anderson says. My warmup skills are radiant. I’m a warmup Olympian, you guys. I’d post video, but I fear it would be too emotional for you.

“Now we’re warmed up, so we’re going to go on to abs,” she says. Abs! Yes! Let’s do this! I continue to dazzle through this section. I imagine wading into a mountain stream to wash the laundry against my abs. However, there’s a wooden train track digging into my shoulder, and the tiny little bit of searing pain starts to grate after three hours or so.

“OK, we’re going to continue on with our abs, but I want you to grab a weight this time,” Tracy Anderson says. OK. But… I think we just did abs, Tracy Anderson. You were right here, can’t you feel the burning? No? Oh.

Me neither.

“The next part of the abdominal series is the piking series,” Tracy Anderson says. What? Oh, it’s on Tracy Anderson. Through this section, I punish you by whimpering in disapproval. “This is the most difficult series for the abs” Tracy Anderson continues. I whack my right hand against a miniature xylophone, and glare at Tracy Anderson through narrowed eyes. Her tiny dancer body still fits entirely within my millimeter of vision. I stub my left toe on an abandoned Tonka truck. My millimeter of vision begins to swim.

“Now we’re going to move into challenging your abs in yet another way,” Tracy Anderson says. This is where I black out. There is a light, and I move toward it. There are apple fritters here.

15 Responses to “10 Days with Gwyneth Paltrow’s Trainer, Day 1”

  • Jennifer Says:

    Applaud to you for describing lots of mommies attempts at getting a perfect body. :-)

  • design for mankind Says:

    HA! Oh dear Lord. There’s got to be some sort of Pulitzer for such beautiful wit. :)

  • Chels Says:

    YIPES! I’ve been trying to talk myself into a similar workout Wii style with Jillian Michaels. Luckily, all I have to contend with at this point are pacifiers and the occasional forgotten dirty diaper left by my lovely boyfriend. Good luck on your journey to 6 pack ab land!

  • Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com Says:

    This is too funny! It sounds like where I’m going to be in half a year =)

  • tiff Says:

    Oh, I love you.

  • Dani Says:

    Lol! I’ve given up trying to do a real work out at this point. I’ve just been puting on music, picking up my 14 mont old (25 pounds) and dancing. We both enjoy it and it’s a great work out. I do still have problems finding space among the toys to dance though.

  • Alicia Says:

    Oh my! I came across this post after completing my first post-natal Tracy Anderson session. I second your sentiments. I had a baby 6 weeks ago and I was feeling pretty good about myself upon the completion of the first abs session. From the pikes on, I laughed (and cried) my way through the video and then crawled my poor body straight into bed, where I stayed motionless for the next hour. Loved your post!

  • Jan Says:

    Kudos and more than a bit of awe for those who can manage those exercise videos!

    3. Jillian Michaels – She seems like a very angry personal trainer. Is she as bad on her DVDs as I’ve seen her on TV? (Oh crap, my secret’s out, I’ve watched some of the Biggest Loser episodes.)

    Last time I tried an exercise DVD, it involved a resistance band. My right shoulder resisted so much that it tore its rotator cuff. Too much too quickly, they said at the doctor’s office.

  • Michelle Says:

    Oh heavens I relate. I moved all the toys. I followed GP’s advice (at the end of the DVD)… “my kids were crawling around…”
    I have twin boys. They had me surrounded about five minutes in and I knew I was in trouble but I persisted (GP did this with her kids crawling around – dammit so will I).
    They silently planned their attack and before I knew it one laid, yes LAID, on my head (so much for crunches) and the other pushed his entire body weight (35 lbs) through his meaty little hands into my already distressed abs (SO MUCH FOR CRUNCHES).
    I laid there lifeless until they were satisfied and moved on to their next kill.
    Tracy and I have since met in the night time, after the sweet baby boys are in bed.
    I’m doing this.

  • Jenny Says:

    I feel you! I had to move a shopping cart, some Dr. Seuss books and a monkey out of the way in order to do my exercise DVD last night.

  • Kimba Says:

    I did this with the Jillian Michaels DVD’s. It was only 20 minutes (Yes! 20 min! I can totally work out for 20 minutes! Bring it!) and I was dying by the end. With my 3 lb weights. It’s only been 4 months since I gave birth, but I am clearly out of shape. Like, the strength of a 4 year old. Go me.

    I think I’ll wait to try these DVD’s…

  • elayne Says:

    Mmmm, apple fritters.

  • Leslie Says:

    Please post video highlights of your workout progress!

  • KMS Says:

    GOD! I know! Tracy must be made of pure muscle because she never grunts, or crys, or sweats, or rolls over and howls. And she can even talk while doing the ‘piking series’. I still can’t even breath during that piking series. And seriously? The leg part? I hate the leg part.

  • Christa Says:

    lord a mighty, you’re funny!