Bad Girls by Subcategory
Originally uploaded by MaggieMason.

Biker Babes, Teen Sluts, Hookers, Ball Breakers, Bad Seeds…

Lessons learned on Impromptu Los Angeles Roadtrip, 2006:

- You’re not as cute in L.A.

- Some people buy matching white sweat suits, with their names in bedazzled scroll script down the sleeves, and wear them to brunch.

- Once seated at a restaurant, everyone should overtly check surrounding tables for possible celebrities.

- Possible celebrities include people like Mickey Rooney’s son.

- Once you see Mickey Rooney’s son, you are required to mention having seen him in approximately 50 percent of your conversations from that moment forward.

I also learned that you should not eat the questionably cooked eggs before a seven-hour road trip in a two-seater, 1974 Volkswagon. Seriously, that’s one to grow on.

This sensible cartoon makes me happy.

(via Andrea)

To the woman in the locker room who is standing in front of the mirror, completely nude, slowly rubbing gym-supplied hand cream on her breasts:

Weird. Would you stop that? It couldn’t be more disturbing if you were taking fistfuls of the hand cream and shoving them in your mouth. The rest of us are unsure of your objective. Is this sexual? Ritualistic? An excessive devotion to silky-soft skin?

Even the women who are into other women are freaked out. We think it’s the way your eyes look a little dead, though we can’t be sure, because none of us can bring ourselves to look directly at you. All of us are looking near you, above you, next to you, trying to ascertain if you are, in fact, doing what we think you’re doing.

Yes. It seems that you are.

Hm… Well… Are you still doing it?

Yep.

Kay. That’s weird… What about now…?

Yes. Even now, you are still doing it.

We are all pretty sure that this if it’s something you enjoy is something that you should enjoy in the comfort of your own home. Please go there so the rest of us can blow dry our hair. Thank you.

In the shower, I realized that I remember the entire theme song from Fight Back with David Horowitz.

FIGHT BACK! Don’t let anyone push you around

FIGHT BACK! Stand up and hold your ground.

And so on.

This got me thinking about other useless things that take up space in my brain, and I started humming theme song to Small Wonder, the witless 80s sitcom about a girl-robot, Vicki, whose family tries to keep her robot identity top secret.

Then I wondered if there was any useful stuff up there, which led me to what I remember from an entire year of high school geometry classes:

If a=b, and b=c, then a=c.

If a+b=c, then c-a=b.

Then I thought, Aveda soap smells just like Fruit Loops.