Three things I like:

• People who hum along with songs in stores.
• Bright socks with somber outfits.
• Black women’s voices.

Three things I do not like:

• The intensely defined spaces between your teeth when you’ve just had them cleaned.
• Removing dark fingernail polish to find that my nails aren’t clean.
• The muffled “pink!” that moths make when they butt against the porch light in the dark.

The War on Iraq Evite.

(via Defective Yeti)

Me: Hi Grandpa, it’s Margaret.

Grandpa: Hi sweetheart! How are you doin?

Me: Great! I have good news.

Grandpa: Oh? What’s that?

Me: I got engaged!

Grandpa: No kidding! That’s wonderful, that’s wonderful, honey!

Me: Yeah! I’m really happy.

Grandpa: Wow, that’s great news. Do we know this gentleman?

Me: No, you haven’t met him yet. His name is Bryan Mason; you’ll love him.

Grandpa: Is he a good guy?

Me: He’s the best guy I know.

Grandpa: Well, you should know, you’ve been around.

Me: Ha! True enough.

Grandpa: Congratulations, sweetheart. Let me get Grandma.

Me: Where are we going?

Him: We’re going for a toast.

Me: Where?

Him: Up here.

Drives into a dark little park at the top of a hill. Man in bushes crouches down as we enter the lot.

Me: Did you see that guy?

Him: What?

Me: That guy who hid when we drove in.

Him: Nope.

Me: He’s right back there.

Him: Huh. Let’s go.

Me: I’m not getting out of the car, there’s a psycho hiding in the bushes.

Him: Come on!

Me: No way! He’s seriously lying in wait for someone to rape.

Him: Let’s go!

Me: No!

Him: Come on. It’ll be fine.

Me: Do you have a pocketknife or anything?

(He closes the car door and heads out. I open the glove compartment and search for a weapon.)

And that’s why I had a pair of scissors in my pocket when he proposed.

Hello, Charlz Theron. I hope this finds you well. I couldn’t find an email address on your site, so I thought I’d just drop you a line here. I know you read my site because, well, I wrote your July 15 entry. Could you remove that, please? Thanks, ever so.