7.30.02 KINDNESS OF STRANGERS

My first article in a series on etiquette for the Morning News.

Chikiboom.

J: I’ve only ever gotten two tickets.
Me: Tell the speeding one.
J: It was bad.
Me: What were you doing?
J: I was going 92 in a 55.
R: Jesus.
J: And I talked back to the cop.
Me: Why?
J: He was just going on and on about how I could’ve killed someone. You know?
R: What did you say?
J: I said, “Just give me the ticket.”
Me: Whoa.
J: I was in a hurry.
Me: Where were you going?
J: To yoga.

7.25.02 OVERHEARD: AMERICA’S FUTURE

Scenario: Two recent high school graduates run into each other on the bus.

Characters: One tall guy with dirty hair, one short stout guy with a buzz cut.

Hey man!

Heeeeeey!

How you doin’?

Good, man.

I haven’t seen you since like, since like graduation.

Yeah.

What are you doin’ now?

You know, same ol’.

Yeah, but what are you up to?

Same ol’.

But what is same ol’?

Produce.

Yeah?

Yeah.

That’s cool.

‘Member the cafeteria?

Yeah man.

When I was working at the cafeteria, I used to hella hustle.

That was hella tight.

Yeah. Now that I’m a grown up, I don�t steal no more.

‘Member the Arizonas?

Yeah! I used to be like, one in both my pockets, one up my arm. I’d be like, want one? Two bucks!

You made hella cash.

That was hella tight.

Yeah.

Remember the mango ones?

Yeah! Those were good.

Yeah.

Frosh and sophomore years were cool. Then junior and senior year sucked.

Hella sucked.

I like the real world though.

Not me. I like high school because of all the girls. I was in ROTC. ‘Member Ingrid?

Yeah. But I like the real world better.

(tension mounting) Yeah. I like high school.

Yeah.

‘Member Anthony?

Ten years from now, I’m all, “Hey Anthony!” Here’s Anthony, “Who are you?”

(laughing) Yeah.

Do you ever talk to Anthony?

(coldly) I got no reason to talk to Anthony.

Yeah. He was talkin’ shit about you.

Fuck that.

Yeah. Fuck that too.

‘Member when I went in his house and took his wrestling thing?

(laughing) He was hella pissed.

Took his dog too. Starving ass dog.

That was his mom’s dog, right?

He was like, “What were you doing in my house?” And I’m like, “What? I practically live here! I’m practically your cousin!”

He was like all, “I’m gonna sue!”

(laughing) Yeah.

I had a friend who was a security guard and he got all hassled by his boss. He shoulda sued.

Like, sexual harassment?

No, just like he was a dick you know? So he quit.

Don’t quit! Sue.

This is America, man. It’s like capital of lawsuits.

Yeah like, touch my leg.

(Touches friend’s leg)

Now I could hella sue you for that. I would sue and get like $100. But I’d have to pay my lawyers too.

Yeah.

It’s not worth it, I guess.

Yeah.

7.23.02 GOOD DAY

A big group of seniors got on the bus, I think they were going down to visit Fisherman’s Wharf. About fifteen commuters quietly got up from their seats and went to stand in the back.