Jim Carrey was wearing a tweed suit and covering himself in chocolate-chip-cookie dough. He danced around on court at a basketball game, and then he scraped the cookie dough from his body, baked the cookies, and sold them for five bucks a pop. Proceeds went to the homeless.

SPEAKING OF FUNDRAISERS

If you live in San Francisco, you should go to the 826 Valencia fundraiser tonight. It’s from 6:30 p.m. to 10 p.m., $10 at the door, and the proceeds go to Dave Egger’s writing workshops for kids. Mr. Eggers himself will be there, and they’ll also be celebrating the release of McSweeney’s Issue #8. All the cool kids are going. Also, there will be chips.

Me: Oh my God. They have individual little snack-size packs of ranch dressing now. Americans are disgusting. Is it too exhausting to pour it out of the bottle so you can dip stuff in it?

Guy 1: No, no. The foil tops make it easier to stick a straw in.

Me: Ha! Why don’t we just mainline it?

Guy 2: (Announcer voice) Are you tired of all those pesky ranch delivery vehicles?

Me: The baby carrots have too much texture. Celery detracts from the pure ranch experience.

Guy 1: Awesome.

LUNCH NEAR THE CONVENTION CENTER

Me: What do their badges say?

Guy 1: Digestive Disease Week.

Me: What the hell? It’s a conference?

Guy 2: Apparently.

Guy 1: Gotta go guys, I’m off to the Unusual Tongue Growths Panel.

Girl 1: Can we have lunch later? I don’t want to miss the Esophageal Extension Roundtable.

Guy 1: I can’t wait for the Ulcerous Cavities Birds of a Feather!

Me: I think they heard you.

Scenario: Homeless man approaches woman waiting for the bus.

HM: Hi, Lorraine!

Lorraine: Hi.

HM: Think it’ll rain today, Lorraine?

L: Maybe.

HM: Maybe it’ll rain, Lorraine?

L: Maybe it will.

HM: Because it’s like “rain” from Lorraine. Then “lor” like “folklore,” like it might be true. So maybe it’ll rain, Lorraine.

L: Yep.

HM: Do you understand me?

L: Yes.

HM: Really?

L: Well, not all the time.

HM: We need cue cards like they have on I Love Lucy with Desi Arnaz.