12.17.01 THREE MORE THINGS

Three favorite New York Signs:

• Fight back NY, see a show!
• Above a winter coat: Caring is giving! $129.99
• Teen People’s “Jingle Ball” Style Slam 2001

5:24 p.m.

FLY AMERICAN

Three disturbing things about U.S. airports:

• Guys in camouflage toting semi automatics who smile and nod at you while you’re being frisked.
• Eerily empty terminals when you disembark.
• Self-flushing toilets.

3:13 p.m.

12.13.01 SPECTACULAR SPECTACULAR

How can I describe the
spectaculitude of the Rockettes’ Christmas
Spectacular? There were ice skaters, there were
illuminated headpieces, there were 3-D glasses attached
to the program. Santa Claus was doing
pelvic thrusts, more than 70 leggy precision dancers grinned and shimmered in ethereal
high-kick splendor, and just when you thought it
couldn’t get any better, dancing dwarves took the
stage.

Any complaints I’d otherwise have about the extreme corniness factor were mitigated by the easily amused women behind me. Everything cracked them up, and that cracked me up, and all of us were happy:

Mrs. Claus: Where can Santa be? Haven’t we had any
word?

Elf: (Waving piece of paper.) This just came in from
Santa’s mobile fax!!

Knee Slappers: HAR! HAR! HAR!

Santa: Did we get all the letters?

Elf: Checked and ready, sir!

Santa: What about my email?

Knee Slappers: HAR! HAR! HAR!

See? Santa plus technology equals laff riot! Who knew?

12:44 p.m.

12.12.01 OH, WHAT A FEELING

(Guy in car playing string instrument.)

Me: What’s he playing?

Guy 1: Looks like a mandolin or something.

Guy 2: ONE NIGHT ONLY! In my car!

(An hour later, walking back after breakfast.)

Me: What the…? He’s still there.

Guy 1: Hey, some guys have a favorite stairwell, some guys have a favorite street corner, he likes that Nissan.

Me: Please, it’s a Corolla. It’s probably not even his car.

Guy 2: He just trolls the streets looking for empty Corollas.

Guy 1: Corrolla’s got great acoustics, yo.

4:47 p.m.

12.10.01 OVERHEARD

Scenario: Ten college guys waiting at the 2nd Street Station.

Guy 1: (Extending a hunk of beef jerky to his friend.) Bite my big sausage.

Guy 2: No.

Guy 3: Bite it!

Guy 2: No, I’m not gonna.

Guy 4: C’mon, bite it!

Guy 5: Bite it! Bite it.

All: (General bite-it-related jeering).

Guy 2: No way.

Guy 1: C’mon, bite my big sausage.

Guy 2: No, man.

Guy 1: I’ll put in $20 if you bite my big sausage.

Guy3: Me too.

All: Me too.

Guy 1: That’s like a hundred bucks if you bite my big sausage.

Guy4: No way, he has to take two bites for a hundred bucks.

Guy 1: OK, two bites of my big sausage for a hundred bucks.

Guy 2: Cut it out.

DADA ON 58TH

The Hudson is a hip hotel, the kind of place where the bar floor is lit from below and the showers look like they could beam you up. After checking out, I turn to see a firefighter ascending the escalator in full fight-me-some-fire gear. He’s followed by another, and another… and so on. Suddenly, there are five men with oxygen tanks searching for smoke to a saucy Latin beat. No one seems to notice. I think, “Um, the building’s on fire.” I look at the guys in flame-retardant suits, I look at the counter people quacking pleasant counter banter. No one is curious, no one is ruffled, the speakers continue to coo “Oye Como Va.” An Asian woman admires the leopard-skin pillow on a lobby chair, her friend approves. To her right, a firefighter unfastens his pickaxe and peers into a suspect stairwell. I think, “Um, hey? Guys? Is the building on fire?” The firefighters’ search takes on less urgency, and a few guests begin to notice them. These people gather around the firemen with coffee table books on New York… and request autographs.

1:28 p.m.

12.7.01 PACKED ALL MY BLACK CLOTHES

I’m leaving for Internet World in New York tonight. This will be my first time in NY, suggestions welcome. If you’re at the show, please say hi.

1:28 p.m.

LIKE MINDS

More fun with Craigslist. Two recent favorites from the San Francisco general community section:

90 — MOHAWK advice needed (san francisco)

I have a brand new mohawk and need advice on how to look professional when I need to. Any tips on how to look cool on the weeked (sic) would be helpfull (sic) also.

thanks.

35 — Full Moon Circle?

Does anyone know of a full moon circle I could join? I’m female and would love to worship the moon w/ others! Let me know… THANKS!

1:28 p.m.