APPRAISAL

Cultural lessons via “Antiques Roadshow.”

American:

-Yes, that’s pretty neat. We’re glad you brought it in today. Any idea what it’s worth?

-None at all. No idea at all.

-It’s quite an unusual piece, it’s been a treat to see it. And I think–are you ready for this? I’d say around $800.

-NOOOOOOO KIDDING! Gosh! I had no idea! HA! Ha. I just can’t believe it.

-And how much did you pay for it?

-Just three dollars!!!!

-Happy?

-Yes, that’s just wonderful. Thanks so much!

British:

-Well, do you like the piece?

-Yeeees. Certainly.

-Yes, it’s lovely. Well, do you get good use of it?

-Yes. Yes.

-Well, I’d say, if you wanted to replace it, it would cost around 15 katrillion pounds.

-Yes. Right. Thank you.

9:09 p.m.

STICKS AND STONES

Jason posted this link to a list of phobias. I lost about half an hour to it. There’s a fear for everything (panophobia). I’ve categorized a few of the better ones.

Fears that amuse me:

• peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth (arachibutyrophobia)
• fear of Bolesheviks (boleshephobia)
• fear of the pope (papaphobia)

Fears that make a lot of sense:

• being severely beaten by a rod (rhabdophobia)
• rape (virginitiphobia
• pain (odynophobia)

Fears that have applied to me at one time or another:

• dark (nyctophobia)
• injections (trypanophobia)
• oral surgery (odontophobia).

What-the-hell fears:

• chins (geniophobia)
• flutes (aulophobia)
• objects on the right side of the body (dextrophobia)

Sucks-to-be-you fears:

• music (melophobia)
• poetry (metrophobia)
• wines (oenophobia)
• kissing (pilemaphobia)
• falling in love (philophobia)

Good-luck-with-that fears:

• time (chronophobia)
• thinking (phronemophobia)
• gravity (barophobia)

But my favorite fear of all time is hippopotomonstrososesquipedaliophobia. Fear of long words.

3:25 p.m.

TRANSIENCE

For a very short time, the article headline tag read, “Wall Street in full-on rally mode.” A few minutes later it was changed to “U.S. Stocks Soar on Wall Street.” I love the Web.

7:28 p.m.

CROUTONS SHAPED LIKE MICKEY MOUSE

Me: Jesus, that is so first world. “Tossing a salad’s too hard. Why is there no implement to do this for me?”

Him: You better shut up. I love my Salad Spinner.

4:56 p.m.

SNAKES AND SNAILS

Henry is a 4 year old with the meanest blog around. Makes me misty for my babysitting days. Some excerpts:

We pulled the turkey out of the oven and set it on the table. Henry stared at it for a while in amazement.
Then he looked up at me and asked, “Is it a baby?!?”

“What’s Pikachu turn into?”

“Raichu.”

“What’s Psyduck turn into?”

“Golduck.”

“What’s Charmander turn into?”

“Charmeleon.”

“What’s Henry turn into? Henry turn into Daddy?”

“Aim a little higher, son.”

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon we walked up the street to the ice cream store. Sun was out. Birds were singing. Neighbors waving as they swept their stoops. Henry screaming at the top of his lungs.

“No. Sleep. ‘Til Broooooklyyyyn!!”

We’re impressionable.

Pound for pound, Henry might actually be the most powerful entity in the Western United States.

P.S. We are running out of babysitters.

During a routine shopping trip to Walgreen’s yesterday Henry started screaming that he wanted some chocolate money.

We were walking by the Gold Circle Coin Condom display when he started screaming it.

Ocean Beach.

Henry wrote his name in the sand, admired it proudly then very carefully erased it and walked away.

“Why’d you erase your name son?”

“Didn’t want anybody to step on it, Dad.”

Tracey and Henry went on a school trip to the pumpkin patch last week.

On the way home he says, “When pumpkins wanna communicate they turn into jack-o-lanterns.”

I just taught Henry to say, “I like small Asian girls.”

I’d like to apologize. I was bored and it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

(I’m documenting this purely for future therapy reference.)

11:24 p.m.