Month: November 2001


SPEAKING OF “MORK AND MINDY”

Robin Williams was at the opening performance of “Proof” last night. He was wearing a suit with wide horizontal stripes in red, black, yellow, and green. We saw him at the after-party too, where one of my friends overheard him doing an impression of Osama Bin Laden’s answering machine: “Hi, this is Osama, I’m not coming to the phone right now. Leave a message. Beep!” Everything is funnier when you’re dressed like a carnival barker.

On the way home, we passed an adult bookstore with a marquee that read, “The female orgasm, fact or fiction?” Am I the only one who didn’t know this was still up for debate?

2:43 p.m.


ADVENTURES IN COPYEDITING

Scenario: Deadline day. Sitting on couch, proofreading with co-worker for the last eight hours.

Me: Ogg Vorbis sounds like something off of “Mork and Mindy.”

Her: Yeah, isn’t that weird? Did you see the company name?

Me: No… (Scans article.) Xiphophorous?

Her: That’s it.

Me: “Gentlemen, I present the honorable Ogg Vorbis from the planet Xiphophorous!”

Both: HAR! HAR! HAR!

Me: We’re really rummy.

Her: Yeah.

(a few minutes later)

Me: (’50s radio announcer voice) Ogg Vorbis! AAAAAHHHHG VVOOOORRBIS!

Both: HAR! HAR! HAR!

(pause)

Me: Our lives are tiny and sad.

1:13 p.m.


TRUTH IN ADVERTISING

There’s a tattoo parlor near my sister’s place called House of Pain. If I ever open a small business, I’m going to give it a similarly candid name. Perhaps a bikini-waxing salon called Torture Your Tenders. People appreciate honesty.

4:02 p.m.

You know what’s not pleasant? Drinking at the water fountain and feeling the stream of water dip when someone flushes the toilet in the bathroom next door.


MIDDLE AMERICAN GOODNESS

This weekend, I watched a documentary on the square dancing and clogging national championships. The voiceover narrative was priceless, “Dance Explosion has cause for concern. The Southern Belles are dancing so well, it’s almost supernatural.” Afterward a Lawnmower race came on.

Also, loved the “60 Minutes” segment on Thomas Kincaid, “painter of light.” Collector: “We have the wall of cottages and the wall of inspiration… ‘Petals of Hope,’ that’s one of my favorites.”

5:10 p.m.


WEB WISDOM

From Bucolic Front: “often i will talk about dealing with people in crisis or tumultuous relationship strife or any other variety of disturbance, and how strange it is to be around crazy people and how careful you have to be not to get any on you”

And Jeri also makes a good point: “Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.”

11:35 a.m.


LADIES NIGHT

Scenario: Discussing the week’s events.

Excerpt:

Lady 1: This week has been kind of tough. Jim has this really good girlfriend who he went to school with who’s visiting. She’s spent all this time working as a doctor in Ecuador…

Lady 2: …Threatening.

Lady 1: And all the guys are friends with her, and when they talk about her, it’s always in these awed tones like, “Oh, Abri this, Abri’s so cool.”

Lady 3: (Pulls in air through teeth)

Lady 1: And she is cool. I mean, she’s done all this amazing stuff.

Lady 3: Bitch.

Lady 2: Ha!

Lady 1: No, she’s really nice. Like, I’m thinking, OK. I’m going to try really hard to like her, because I know that my natural inclination is going to be to not like her, and that’s not fair. But she turned out to be really cool.

Lady 2: Which is even more threatening.

Lady 1: No, I like her. I mean it’s been a lot better than I expected.

Lady 3: You’re a better woman than I.

Scenario: One of the ladies is in a band and wants to run a song by us.

Excerpt:

Lady 1: (Singing) I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna see you again./ I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna kiss you again.

All: Woo hoo.

Lady 1: (singing) I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna touch you again./ I wanna let you in!

All: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!

Lady 2: Tsk! She’s talking about emotional availability, you guys. Geez.

Lady 1: (singing) I wanna taste your SKIIIN!

5:08 p.m.


SAFETY FEATURES

The 11.15.01 strip from Gimme Back My God was a good one, “This SUV comes equipped with many safety features. Which is good because if you’re in an accident, you’ll want to be in peak physical health as you gloat over the broken bodies of your victims.”


BRING IT, GOOGLE

Someone just arrived at my site by searching for “erotic oktoberfest.” I want that to happen a lot more. Erotic Oktoberfest, Erotic Oktoberfest, Erotic Oktoberfest.

11:08 a.m.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ERNIE

OVERHEARD

Characters: Two girls standing above the dance floor

Girl 1: I’ll go over.

Girl 2: WAIT! We have to make sure he sees you first. Does he see you?

Girl 1: STOP LOOKING!

Characters: Friends on the balcony

Her: How’s the trolling?

Him: Eh. It doesn’t matter anyway. All these people are from Oakland, I’m never going to see them again.

Her: What? San Francisco is, like, 20 minutes outside Oakland.

Him: Yeah…

1:29 p.m.


THEY CALL YOU WHAT?

Do you live in the Bay Area? Go see Harmon Leon in “They Call Me Shitshoes!” It is a laff riot! Well, about three quarters of it is a laff riot, the rest is better if you’ve had a beer. Anyway, it’s a one-man show by this writer (his work has appeared in Salon, Details, and Maxim) who travels around and goes to weird conventions. My favorite bit is about a Christian ventriloquist convention in San Diego, which he visits with his dummy “Mr. Cocksucker.” It amused me greatly, you will like it:

Friday, November 30th

10 p.m.

$7

Spanganga Performance Gallery

3376 19th St @ Mission

San Francisco

415-821-1102

5:07 p.m.


EDITORIAL INTEGRITY PART DEUX

More fun with Craigslist:

“32 — Recently laid off and now working in the sex industry?

From: asanders@sfexaminer.com

Thu Nov 15th

If you (or someone you know) lost your job this year and are doing sex work to make ends meet– phone sex, dominatrix work or other sex-related gigs — please email me. I’m working on a story on the subject and will keep your identity strictly confidential.

Thanks!

Adrienne”

In other news, a young girl with a long tongue (via ernie), and Peter Pan finally found his Tinkerbell (via MetaFilter).

1:29 p.m.