Mighty Life List
Nov 29 2001


SPEAKING OF “MORK AND MINDY”

Robin Williams was at the opening performance of “Proof” last night. He was wearing a suit with wide horizontal stripes in red, black, yellow, and green. We saw him at the after-party too, where one of my friends overheard him doing an impression of Osama Bin Laden’s answering machine: “Hi, this is Osama, I’m not coming to the phone right now. Leave a message. Beep!” Everything is funnier when you’re dressed like a carnival barker.

On the way home, we passed an adult bookstore with a marquee that read, “The female orgasm, fact or fiction?” Am I the only one who didn’t know this was still up for debate?

2:43 p.m.

Nov 28 2001


ADVENTURES IN COPYEDITING

Scenario: Deadline day. Sitting on couch, proofreading with co-worker for the last eight hours.

Me: Ogg Vorbis sounds like something off of “Mork and Mindy.”

Her: Yeah, isn’t that weird? Did you see the company name?

Me: No… (Scans article.) Xiphophorous?

Her: That’s it.

Me: “Gentlemen, I present the honorable Ogg Vorbis from the planet Xiphophorous!”

Both: HAR! HAR! HAR!

Me: We’re really rummy.

Her: Yeah.

(a few minutes later)

Me: (’50s radio announcer voice) Ogg Vorbis! AAAAAHHHHG VVOOOORRBIS!

Both: HAR! HAR! HAR!

(pause)

Me: Our lives are tiny and sad.

1:13 p.m.

Nov 27 2001


TRUTH IN ADVERTISING

There’s a tattoo parlor near my sister’s place called House of Pain. If I ever open a small business, I’m going to give it a similarly candid name. Perhaps a bikini-waxing salon called Torture Your Tenders. People appreciate honesty.

4:02 p.m.

Nov 27 2001

You know what’s not pleasant? Drinking at the water fountain and feeling the stream of water dip when someone flushes the toilet in the bathroom next door.

Nov 26 2001


MIDDLE AMERICAN GOODNESS

This weekend, I watched a documentary on the square dancing and clogging national championships. The voiceover narrative was priceless, “Dance Explosion has cause for concern. The Southern Belles are dancing so well, it’s almost supernatural.” Afterward a Lawnmower race came on.

Also, loved the “60 Minutes” segment on Thomas Kincaid, “painter of light.” Collector: “We have the wall of cottages and the wall of inspiration… ‘Petals of Hope,’ that’s one of my favorites.”

5:10 p.m.

Nov 21 2001


WEB WISDOM

From Bucolic Front: “often i will talk about dealing with people in crisis or tumultuous relationship strife or any other variety of disturbance, and how strange it is to be around crazy people and how careful you have to be not to get any on you”

And Jeri also makes a good point: “Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.”

11:35 a.m.

Nov 20 2001


LADIES NIGHT

Scenario: Discussing the week’s events.

Excerpt:

Lady 1: This week has been kind of tough. Jim has this really good girlfriend who he went to school with who’s visiting. She’s spent all this time working as a doctor in Ecuador…

Lady 2: …Threatening.

Lady 1: And all the guys are friends with her, and when they talk about her, it’s always in these awed tones like, “Oh, Abri this, Abri’s so cool.”

Lady 3: (Pulls in air through teeth)

Lady 1: And she is cool. I mean, she’s done all this amazing stuff.

Lady 3: Bitch.

Lady 2: Ha!

Lady 1: No, she’s really nice. Like, I’m thinking, OK. I’m going to try really hard to like her, because I know that my natural inclination is going to be to not like her, and that’s not fair. But she turned out to be really cool.

Lady 2: Which is even more threatening.

Lady 1: No, I like her. I mean it’s been a lot better than I expected.

Lady 3: You’re a better woman than I.

Scenario: One of the ladies is in a band and wants to run a song by us.

Excerpt:

Lady 1: (Singing) I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna see you again./ I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna kiss you again.

All: Woo hoo.

Lady 1: (singing) I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna touch you again./ I wanna let you in!

All: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!

Lady 2: Tsk! She’s talking about emotional availability, you guys. Geez.

Lady 1: (singing) I wanna taste your SKIIIN!

5:08 p.m.