ODDS AND ENDS

Three things to consider:

• I’ve never seen a female cab driver in San Francisco.
• There’s a hearse parked on Mission St. that has a Jack-In-The-Box antenna ball.
• A billboard: “Joint Juice. A full-day’s supply of glucosamine. Building cartilage has never tasted so good.”

Three food items I don’t understand:

• Pre-cooked bacon
• The pecans in mixed nuts
• Maple doughnuts

2:10 p.m.

I GROW OLD, I GROW OLD

Yesterday was my birthday, and I had a good time. I spent the day baking, carving pumpkins, and thinking of reasons why 26 is old. I don’t understand bubble tea, I’ve never been to a rave, and all the Saturday morning cartoons suck. My CD collection features entirely too much James Taylor, I had knee surgery this year, and I’m really starting to notice when the refrigerator needs cleaning. On the upside, I no longer order drinks with schnapps in them, I don’t apologize for things that aren’t my fault, and I make a mean peanut butter cookie.

3:45 p.m.

LADIES NIGHT: SEAMSTRESS ADVENTURES

Lady 1: What have you been up to with work?

Lady 2: I made a play suit for this guy.

Lady 1: A “play” suit?

Lady 2: That’s what he called it. It was basically a body suit with modifications.

Lady 3: What kind of modifications?

Lady 2: Well it took me awhile to figure out what he wanted, he wouldn’t just spit it out. He’s like, “Can you make it really fitted?” and I’m like, “Yeah.” And he’s like, “I mean, I want it to fit me really well everywhere.” And I’m like, “Kay…” And he says, “I want it to have three little pouches.” So I say, “You mean you basically want a ball sack?”

Lady 4: Three pouches?

Lady 2: That’s what I was thinking. I’m like (confused expression, counts on fingers). I was like, “This is gonna have to be a small, medium, large thing, because I’m not interested in getting that personal.”

Lady 5: What color was it?

Lady 2: Bright yellow.

Lady 6: YELLOW?

Lady 2: Yep.

Lady 6: What is that?

Lady 4: Chiquita fetish.

Lady 5: He’s got the fruit hat at home, and a set of castanets.

Lady 6: Come over here, mama’s big ba-nan-ah!

4:01 p.m.

…AND SCREAM, AND SCREAM

I saw a bus-stop ad yesterday that read, “I scream, you scream, we all scream for pork tenderloin.”

3:31 p.m.

GIVE ME A SIGN

I saw Lily Tomlin in The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe last night. My favorite quote: “I think you should know I worry a lot. Like the Nobel sperm bank. Something bothers me about the world’s greatest geniuses sitting around reading pornography and jerking off.”

10:44 a.m.