EMAIL MOMENT!

Subject: Toledo and the state of higher education.

Excerpt:

“At the University of Toledo today, the sidewalk was chalked up with all
kinds of misspelled school spirit: ‘Your here!’ ‘Sign up for the ski
raceing team!’ What the fuck are these people going to do?”

11:05 a.m.

I went to my first baseball game last night, Dodgers v. Giants in the newish SF stadium. I stood and sang the national anthem, I had some cotton candy and a hot dog with grilled onions. It was a very American evening, except for one thing. No half-naked bouncing women. Not a single one anywhere. Was I not here in America–land of amply endowed, blonde women who bounce professionally? Is baseball not our national sport? Everyone seemed entertained by the game, but I pondered the sad truth. An entire generation of young baseball fans will grow to maturity without knowing the nuances of reflective spandex, the alluring twinkle of cleavage sequins under stadium lights. Wistfully, I surveyed the vast stretch of field before me. “Jenni? Tifanni? Jodi?” Two rows down, three sorority girls turned from their gaggle and looked up at me questioningly. “Nevermind,” I said, and flagged the peanut vendor.

11:07 a.m.

You’re an attractive, successful man who seems to have a lot going for him. But let’s say that your dating life is kind of slow, you’re not getting as much action as you used to, and all the women your age want to get married. What if you were to launch a Web campaign offering$10K to the person who finds you a wife? My guess is that you’d never sleep lonely again, my friend. Ah, romance. I can almost hear the violins.

(via adnan)

12:23 p.m.

My credit card company gave me an unsolicited increase. As you might imagine, my first thought was, Money? What the hell am I supposed to do with more money? Fortunately, they enclosed an informative brochure entitled, What to do With a Credit Card Increase. Apparently, when your credit line exceeds your annual income, you should take a Princess Cruise and order a digital watch that tells time in 20 different countries at once.

1:35 p.m.

I bought leather pants this weekend, and they’re fabulous. They make me want to pose instead of standing still. They make me want to take up chain smoking. They make me want to pout out angry lyrics and crawl catlike toward a video camera while underage models writhe seductively in the soft-focus background. Man, nothing screams rock star like wrapping your legs in dead cow.

2:28 p.m.