EMAIL MOMENT!

Subject: On distaff and my bony ass.

Me:

What is it with men and baked goods? A man may be
impressed by your brain, or your body, or whatever, but if you walk into
the room with an apple pie, his eyes roll up into his
head and his mouth starts frothing. It’s like,
“Well I knew you were hot, but I didn’t know you
baked..”

Him:

It speaks to our lizard brain. It is hard to starve with a woman who
bakes. A woman who bakes can compensate for myriad detrimental
evolutionary traits, such as narrow hips, an waistline that suggests
infertility, and a brain that is too smart or too dumb for her prospective
mate. Baking is tantamount to survival. Additionally, very few men have
the moxie, time, or inclination to bake. Baking is a place that is solidly
in the woman’s world. Women bake, lap dance, look pretty on game shows,
heal, and mediate. Men bust broncs, and philosophize. Just the way it is.

Me:

You have such an odd, offensive little take on things.
Remind me never to bring you cupcakes lest you request
a lap dance.

Him:

Your butt would poke holes in my jeans.

4:28 p.m.

Nyotaimori — The practice of eating sushi off of the body of a naked woman.

3:14 p.m.

PEOPLE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

Dan Bistline is self-appointed mayor of Church St. I know this because there’s a sign in his window:

Church Street

Pop. ?

Dan Bistline, Mayor

Dan Bistline has also printed up a quotation for each pane of his three-sided window:

“You are a good and kind person.”

“Jump and a net will appear.”

“There are no truths, only stories.”

Dan Bistline annoys me.

10:39 a.m.

Nothing screams invalid like an hour spent watching “Growing Pains, Behind the Scenes.” Yeah. Should I perchance ask for Jell-O or a good book of crossword puzzles, please just pretend like you didn’t hear me.

10:25 p.m.

I just returned from knee surgery. I am currently doped up enough that if we were in a bar, all of you would look very attractive to me. Wheee.

1:42 p.m.

I hesitate to post this so soon after the bumper dumper link, but who am I to let good taste override your entertainment? I hereby present stuff people have crammed up their bums. The site comes complete with x-rays and medical reports. There are the standard bottles and phallic vegetables, and then there’s the guy who made a cement cast of his anus and the person who crammed a kangaroo tumor.

3:13 p.m.

Litotes — understatement in which an affirmative is expressed by the
negative of the contrary (as in “not a bad blog” or “not
unhappy”)

9:57 a.m.

So I got an electric toothbrush, which is charmingly efficient. You push a button, it brushes your teeth for exactly two minutes and beeps at intervals that indicate when it’s time to change sectors. My teeth are shiny and new–they do the little lens flare thing when I smile. The only problem is, my new toothbrush sounds very much like a vibrator. My roommate has begun to avoid eye contact with me when I leave the bathroom.

2:37 p.m.