Looking for an unclean experience? Tune in to “Temptation Island.”

The whole show went something like this: Closeup of a guy rubbing salt on his nipple in preparation for tequila body shots. Cut to the wide-eyed, buxom girl he’s on a date with, “He’s so so DEEP.”

Yeah. He’s the Grand Canyon of humility and spiritual enlightenment. Perhaps he’ll engage in rabid monkey sex with you.

Then again, who am I to talk? The show was so embarrassing that it made my eyes water, but I watched the WHOLE thing. Sure, I showered a few times afterward, but I can still feel the dark stain on my soul.

11:44 a.m.

I’ve unwittingly misled you. One of the Americans for Purity informed me that all of the pages I link to below are spoofs (except the Biblical action figures). I was pretty hard hit until Jason sent me a link to the Church of Latterday Saints’ Steps to Overcoming Masturbation. Mr. Kottke favors step 19, “In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken.” I’m a fan of the Church’s take on aversion therapy: “If you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.”

10:03 a.m.

So my friend Kristi sent me an URL. “God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason.” Finally, a site addressing the self-abuse epidemic. But after poking around a bit, I realized that the site had so much more to offer. As far as I can tell, none of these sites are spoofs. Oh man. Crackpot Jackpot:

• Biblical action figures.
• The force is a tool of satan. A Website dedicated to rooting out the evil in the Star Wars series. (Note the fantastic URL.)
• Virigaurd, a combination athletic support and chastity belt. I highly recommend the Installation and Testimonial links. “When young boys from my congregation come to me with sexual inquiries, I counsel them to let God take care of them. If that doesn’t work, I ask them to try the Purity Athletic Viriguard for a few months. Sometimes they resist at first, but once they get used to it, they become more manageable, attend church more often, and show the signs of improvement you’d expect from those who do not pollute themselves through self-stimulation.
• Ban breastfeeding! “Women who breast-feed enjoy an erotic experience that offensively imposes oral gratification on innocent infants. This reprehensible act teaches children illicit sex that subsequently manifests promiscuity, homosexuality and addiction to cybersex.”

2:19 p.m.

Walking home from work, I had an absurdity attack as I passed 24-Hour Fitness. The huge windows and frenetic step-class activity combined for the effect of a giant jar full of panicked bugs. The guys running on the treadmill were the bugs that keep climbing up to the top of the jar, falling, then climbing back up again. Glah.

9:27 a.m.

Gratuitous Blogger/Web Techniques Plug: Have I mentioned I love my job, and my boss? The magazine I work for just donated a new server to Blogger, the exceptional and free service I use to update my page. Here’s the announcement from the Blogger home page:

Woohoo! Remember I mentioned there would be more good news about the Server Fund? It’s this: on top of the huge contributions you all made, WebTechniques magazine bought us another server. That brings our total Server Fund contributions over $15,000 and gives us enough fire power to last a long time — or enough to hurt ourselves, we’ll see.
Here’s the official press release. Yay! WebTechniques rocks.

-Ev. [1/23/2001 10:43:23 AM]

10:58 a.m.

The best headlines from this month’s Martha Stuart Living:

• Collecting Pincushions
• Remembering Brioche
• Finger-Puppet Master
• Crocus: A little flower packed with big surprises.
• President’s Day Pretzel Log Cabin

10:19 a.m.

After you’ve had your aura cleaned, consider having your ass read. You send Jaqueline “a fanny gram,” she tells you what your buttprint says about your soul. Well, at least now you have an excuse when your boss catches you perched on top of the photocopier. (Click on the “rumpology” button in the upper left corner.)

3:14 p.m.

This is creepy Web art. Childlike drawings with hostile-man score. If you’re at work, bust out the headphones before you click.

12:36 a.m.

EMAIL MOMENT!

Subject: College friend reminisces about his youth.

Excerpt:

My mother would frequently record tape cassettes and send
them to my grandparents, uncles and aunts, et al. to
mark our progress (this was before the invention of
the motion-picture camera). On one these tapes, my
mother tells me “stop that” seventy-eight times in a
matter of fifteen minutes. One of my favorite lines is
when she yells, “you better NOT pee on the couch.”

9:55 a.m.

Watching a kid’s infomercial about a spectacular new mechanical toothbrush, the voiceover exclaims, “BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!” My five year old niece turns to me smiling and says, “They always say, ‘that’s not all.’” Smart kid.

4:01 p.m.

The last week has not been so good. A few days ago, I managed to upset one of my closest friends. Last night, a violently crazy homeless woman charged at me while I was trying to find someplace to eat on Valencia. (She also called me a bitch, which–I think you’ll agree–was really just uncalled for.) In a few hours, I’m off to have several needles inserted in my currently unperforated arms, so some sleepy little diseases can have a party with my immune system. What wonders will the weekend hold? It could be anything, really: severe food poisoning, mugging, drive by, or a friend could visit and demand that I take him to Pier 39.

10:33 a.m.