11.20.00

My nephew Trevor is three, and he’s a big fan of nose picking. I said, “Trevor, don’t do that, honey. People think it’s gross.” Trevor looked up at me thoughtfully with his finger buried up to his knuckle. He said in his most earnest, explanatory tone, “No they don’t, Auntie Mawget. They think it’s yummy.”

3:40 p.m.

All right, it’s true that I’m sick again for the third time in two months. But if one more chipper, healthy person tells me to take echinacea, I’m going to march into their cube and rub my cold-infested face all over their phone receiver.

Then I’m going to call to thank them for their sound advice.

11:16 a.m.

11.17.00

EMAIL MOMENT!

Characters: Friends from my college newspaper.

Subject: Finding a sugar daddy.

Excerpt (minus extraneous inside jokes):

Drew: I’ve been looking for a Sugar Mama/Daddy to support me while I finish my novel. Now, who the hell’s pulling down the most here?

Me: Extremely generous SWF seeks aspiring novelist to share mutually beneficial relationship and writers’ nest in city. I’m a wealthy editor seeking a young man to dot my “i”s and cross my “t”s. Can you prove that your sword is as mighty as your pen?

Matthias: The only four words I need to win Drew’s favor: Hung like a rhino.

Drew: I’d like to respond to ad box #133256, “SWF seeking aspiring novelist, etc.”: SWM, rugged, untamed, unflinching…Alaskan. Seeking a woman to clean game and fish including, but not limited to, caribou, moose, salmon, carp, trout, ptarmigan, grouse, bass, shad, dolly varden, raven, wolf, bobcat, house cat, sewer rat and the occasional feral monkey. Must have own knife and “fat-scraper”, must be able to make fire from snow, must weigh at least 195 (for boat ballast). Are you strong enough to be my man? I mean, woman?

Me: Um.. what’s dolly varden?

Jessie: That’s like Dolly Parton, except minus the gargantuan
boobies, and also it’s a fish.

2:05 p.m.

The second definition of “ineffable” is lovely: “Not to be spoken because of its sacredness, unutterable.”

9:18 a.m.

11.16.00

Amusing photos from some guy at Stanford. You�ll find more here.

2:22 p.m.

As the friend who sent this to me notes, Sally Struthers is always good for a laugh. From Satire Wire�s Please, Help Sally Save the Dot-Coms.

With each passing day, dot-coms are finding it increasingly difficult to stay
alive. Cut off from further venture funding or bank credit, without access to
sufficient revenues, many are forced to make choices about which essentials
they can afford: salaries or benefits, marketing or product development, sales
or office parties? Choices no one should have to make. Despair takes the
place of hope.

10:14 a.m.